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How to Mend a Broken Heart at Miami

 

Among the likes of elite sorrow soothers John Mayer, Taylor Swift, and Ben & Jerry, The Black Sheep knows all about healing a broken heart. Breaking up is hard to do, and being broken up with is downright awful. We know that sometimes you may just want to curl up in a ball and cry, and that’s okay. But here are some clearly more productive things to do to pick up the pieces of that heart of yours.

 

Moz Sticks from Pulley:
Your heart is already broken, why not clog every artery along with it? Pulley is open 24/7, so unlike the jackass that ripped your heart to shreds, it’s always there for you. And on those lonely nights (after 5p.m.) so are mozzarella sticks. They’re fast, easy, and up for anything you decide to slather all over it. Trade those gloomy thoughts of all the memories of you and your ex for approximately ten bites of cheesy, salty, greasy goodness. So what if your ex was a ten, these guys are an 800 (calories, but details). And if those ten bites aren’t enough, there’s always more hot and ready to satisfy your needs.

 

Yak About It:
You’re in college now, leave the petty rumor spreading about her alleged toenail collection and burn books in the past. It’s time to take the high road: bash your ex significant other over an anonymous mobile app. If it’s honesty and communication they want, it’s honesty and communication they get. It will only be up as long as it gets likes… what’s the worst that could happen, a down vote or ten? Get all those nasty thoughts out in the open, and remember it’s anonymous, so make it extra scathing. You know what, might as well include that stuff about the toenail collection. Fuck ’em.

 

Have a Trashcan or Three:
“Don’t drink because it’s over, drink because it happened.” That’s the quote right? So may not have made it to the script of a Hallmark movie, but may that’s because it’s just too honest. Brick Street is good for two things: accidentally picking up freshman, and drinks that not only contain a full days’ worth of calories for the average female, but are strong enough to help you forget why your heart was even broken in the first place.

 

Forget the friends that say, “let me know if you need anything,” Brick took the initiative. It, unlike your ex, will always be there for you. Don’t let that opportunity go to waste.

 

In the words of The Script, “When a heart breaks, it don’t break even.” But don’t let it break you. Keep your chin up pal and keep on keepin’ on. Time may heal all wounds but why wait? Stuff your face, Yik Yak to your heart’s content, get real drunk, and let time do the rest.

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