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How To Not Act Like a Freshman

A new school year is upon us and so are the freshmen. Just after we got the new sophomores to stop saying “rad” and taught them that there’s more than Jackson and University Avenue, we get these new defects. It’s the same drill we go through every year: make them bearable ‘til we graduate. So we created a list that everyone should tell the new boys and girls to follow or they’ll be out of this school quicker than a carton of cigs during rush.

 

5.) No One Cares About Your High School

It sounds easy enough, but these kids won’t shut the hell up about how awesome high school was. All their friends, or winning state: try flashing a state championship around in college and you’re liable to have your finger cut off and the ring used to cover the bar tab. The only thing you can use a high school shirt for is working out or a “Throw Down for Your Hometown” party.

 

4.) The Booze Cruise Ain’t Free

We go through a lot of hassle to get you alcohol and the least you can do is not act like Augustus Gloop when we give it to you. Whether at the bar or driving to a liquor store, don’t be surprised if you don’t get change back, freshmen. We’re the ones getting thrown in jail if the po-po pulls us over, so we’ll keep your money to make a phone call or buy our last drink before probation. So say “please,” ”thank you,” and sit tight and shut up.

 

3.) Get a Level Head

Some freshmen will say that they drank in high school, but splitting a six pack with your three buddies isn’t drinking. So when you see someone raging with their shirt off on someone’s counter after two Nattys, you can guess they’re taking EDHE. Wherever you are, just pace yourself, you’ll still get hammered, and we won’t have to babysit your drunk ass.

 

2.) Respect The South

Ole Miss is a diverse school with students from different states and countries, but over time they all grab Southern life by the whiskey glass. Drink it up, but don’t get drunk off it. It’s a funny thing to see someone with New York plates walk out in Wranglers and a cowboy hat; was that really all the rage on Long Island? Don’t dive into exclusively drinking sweet tea and chanting “Dixie” every 10 minutes. By the time you graduate you’ll most likely be a Republican whether you came in as one or not.

 

1.) Moooove!!!!!

This is so serious we had to stress it using five exclamation marks. Any time we’re in the Student Union, JC, bathroom, or wherever, it seems freshmen don’t know how to function. Like a deer looking around for danger, you’re not sure where to go or if someone’s hiding behind a corner to punch you in the face. We just have to say move quicker and think about the place you’re moving to and what are you waiting for? Just move!

 

It’s a short list, but it’ll make life bearable for a little bit, that is until they give out bid cards and everyone goes full srat and frat mode. If you want upperclassmen to think you’re cool, just DD them around.

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