With summer fast approaching, the horribly boring task of updating your resume is imminent. You’ll be trying to find a job that allows for only three months employment and free weekends. Or as undergraduates call it “The Sasquatch of Jobs,” always heard of, but never seen. Here are a few tips to use so that you can find and catch that urban myth of a mildly enjoyable temporary job that still lets you get hammered on the weekends.
Embellish Clubs at the U: Every Dairy Queen manager has seen a resume with a Student Council President or MNDaily Editor on it, but what they haven’t seen is a Head Fractal Organizer or a Quantum Digital Consultant. Sure, the hiring manager won’t know what it means but damn, it sure sounds impressive. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to get caught. The manager at a Dairy Queen doesn’t know many big words to begin with.
Be Bilingual: ¿Como está? That’s essentially everything you need to know to technically be bilingual. Do you have a smartphone with a language app? Because that counts too. If there’s one thing you’ve learned from the language requirement in CLA is that all it takes is a translate button. De nada, amigos.
Change Your Name: Resumes with white, male names get picked more often than not. Your feminist sociology professor wasn’t lying; as fucked up as this sounds, it’s statistically accurate. So if you want to get hired this summer, the best way to do it is to put a name like “John Caucasian Ihaveapenis” on your resume. Employers love the familiarity of Wonderbread whiteness and the comfort of overcompensating masculinity.
Get Rid of the Small Stuff: A resume should be a quick read. People don’t want to hear about how you volunteered at some orphanage and gained memories that will last a lifetime; they want to hear about the experience you got in Coffman filing (smoking) papers behind a desk. Or as you put it: fractal organizing.
Leave out Your GPA: You’re not applying to grad school; you’re applying for minimum wage to subsidize your Smirnoff fund. If you’re so desperate for scholastic approval, maybe your summer job this year should be as a student. Either way you’re going to be spending hours of your time earning something that will evaporate quicker than you can say “student loans.”
Science Teaching & Student Services: That creepy building on the East Bank looks like a vintage UFO, but they’ve got some great people in there that really know how to lie on a resume. Some make you change the font and give you references for your resume like it’s an actual valuable thing. It’s essentially a push-up bra for your qualifications. Speaking of boobs, skip this tip if you’re already “well-endowed”…who needs a job when you can have a sugar daddy?
So, now you know how to pimp your paper. But keep in mind that these are merely suggestions to help you get something you are probably overqualified for. And like the Wile E. Coyote who chases the Road Runner, you are destined to keep chasing the very thing you badly wish for and never get, or die comically. Either way, you’re going to be busy this summer.