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How To Talk To Your Parents About Donald Trump


As a whole, UNT is a left leaning campus. One could even call it a smaller, less bicycle-friendly Austin. But whether we identify as Republican or Democrat, Socialist or Polish Monster Independents, we all share the same fear: just when you’ve trained your mother not to lock her car when a minority walks by, you come home to find one of your parents experimenting with Donald Trump.



What is a Donald Trump?:

Donald Trump is an disturbingly rich business mahatma, slightly orange in color. There are many different slang terms for Donald Trump including The Donald, The Trumpster, and The Man That Evicted My Family and Built a Luxury Hotel Over My Grandfather’s Grave. Donald Trump can take many forms, from celebrity, to joke presidential candidate, to shockingly real presidential candidate. No matter its form, all Donald Trumps contain the mind-altering ability to rile up white people like they’ve just been informed of a new wine collection from the Doobie Brothers is available at Kroger.


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Be open and patient when talking to a parent about Donald Trump. If the parent feels like they’re being judged, they may seek information about politics elsewhere. This could be a disreputable source like the local shut in or even Fox News. Certain parents may be more susceptible to Donald Trump than others. Polling data shows older, less educated white males make up the majority of Trump users, so pay close attention to your father’s hat collection.


The second you see him switch out his favorite slime green “UNT Dad” cap for a Confederacy red “Make America Great Again” number, it is time to have a talk. Before you yell “GLOBAL WARMING WAS NOT CREATED BY THE CHINESE” or search their room for a mosque burning tackle box, remember to have patience… we were all 50 once. Heck, your parent may just want to think back to their golden years when calling an entire race of people you’ve never met a bunch of criminal rapists was just the thing to do at parties.



How can I help my parent say no to Donald Trump?: 


No matter how far deep in the Trumpster your parent is, there is still time before the Texas primaries to serve your family and your country. First of all, forget about grandpa — he’s going to the grave believing immigrants cause polio and your efforts are best focused on someone who wasn’t around to share their backyard with a Japanese internment camp. Secondly, and we’re looking at you NT Socialist Club, don’t bushwhack your parent with your avant-garde Marxist war cries. Try to strike up a conversation about other Republican candidates they could vote for instead, for example:


“How about that stabby Ben Carson, huh? He seems good for diplomacy,” or “I bet you could in-dignify undocumented workers over a beer with that Ted Cruz fellow, and it wouldn’t even get that Third Reich-ish,” or “you seen the ass on John Kasich?”


Eagles, let’s huddle up for some real talk. We were all picked on at some point for being fat, ugly, gay, weird, poor, or at least for having skin and a face. Many of us cried after a bully rallied a bunch of kids and taunted us for our ugly gay face covered in poor skin. Our parents didn’t give us a hug and tell us that bully is just an honest guy who’s tired of being politically correct, they told us he’s a jerk. No matter what political beliefs they have, no one wants a jerk in the white house.


For those of you whose parents did do that, the UNT psychology department has free counseling sessions every Thursday at 6. We’ll see you there.


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