Now that your mom isn’t around to do your laundry or make your food, you’ve realized that all your new-found college freedom comes with a steep price: taking care of your own shit. You don’t want to take care of your own shit. Who does?
Well, friend, there is a way to avoid your adult responsibilities: getting your roommates to do all the work for you. Of course, they don’t want to do their chores either, so how are you going to get them to do yours? We have the answers.
In an apartment washer and dryer: Try leaving a few pieces of your laundry in the washing machine. Whichever roommate does laundry next will probably be so tired/drunk that they won’t notice your items, and will put their items in anyway, washing yours in the process.
Your few pairs of socks and underwear (don’t bother with shirts and pants; they don’t get dirty, everyone knows that) will probably go wholly unnoticed until your sucker roommate has dried and folded them. Your roommie will have no choice but to return them to you in that pristine condition. Bwahahaha!
Dorm or coin laundry: Instead of placing your items in the washing machine put your items into their dirty clothes hamper. Do one or two small items per day to keep the roommate from noticing. If your roommate is a no-hamper slob, all the better! Put as much of your dirty stuff on the kid’s bedroom floor and when/if it ever gets clean, your clothes will too.
If you have multiple bathrooms, try to always poop in the bathroom you don’t have to clean. It’ll save you money on TP too! If you share one bathroom, clean it once, and when the Whose-Turn-is-it-to-Clean talk happens, reference that one time you cleaned as clear evidence that it’s not your turn now.
Make sure you always cook directly before or after someone else. That way, when your roommates confront you about leaving the kitchen dirty, you have someone else to blame. Say: “I didn’t make the mess. [Insert roommate name] cooked after me, it must have been him/her,” or “It was like that when I went in there. Pretty sure [insert roommate name] didn’t clean up earlier.”
Dishes in the sink? Just leave them there. Someone will eventually need to use the sink and will either do the dishes you left or throw them out. Either way, you win!
For about two weeks, always put your dishes in the dishwasher if you have one, but do such a terrible job that the dishes take up a ton of space in there and are positioned so they won’t come clean. Your roommates will realize that you are well-meaning but incompetent, and will just start taking care of your dishes for you to make their own lives easier.
As for trash, just squish it down. When it really starts to smell, someone will take it out. Believe in yourself, and outlast them. Patience is key.
If you can master the art of clandestine delegation of your household duties to your naïve underlings roommates, you’ll have demonstrated that you have what it takes to be a grown up and make it in the real world. Your future in middle management is bright, and with all the time you save not doing chores, you can focus on your real priorities: eating, drinking, and napping.