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How to Watch Football While Friendless

Welcome to football season! We’ve made it through an entire off-season and the first couple weeks with a lack of people violently hitting each other over an oddly shaped ball. However, things are different this year. Maybe it’s your first year of college and you haven’t had time to make friends who also enjoy watching grown men assault each other for our entertainment with the occasional glimpse of attractive cheerleaders. Fret not, The Black Sheep is here to help you enjoy this season alone!


Imagine this scenario: You’re an out of state student from Wisconsin and you’re, unfortunately, a Packers fan. You go to the Student Center with your beer strategically hidden in your cargo shorts. The first thing you notice is everyone in there has Bears gear on but you spot a hidden cheesehead within the sea of blue and orange. Even better, she’s a cute girl! You go over and watch the game with her, but your constant profanities and mood swings slowly drive her away, and even worse, you’ve pissed off the Bears’ den.


You attempt to calm your nerves with your beer when, suddenly, the Student Center staff grabs you and kicks you out because you can’t drink in the student center, you idiot. Then finally, as you’re walking back to your dorm, Public Safety detains you and tells you that they have to transport you to the hospital (because, clearly, that sip of beer was way too much for your underaged body). So now, because you wanted to watch a game in the Student Center, you have to pay $2000 for your hospital trip and have to report to the Dean of Students’ office to be punished for breaking the code of conduct. Never watch a game in the Student Center!


So, how should you watch this game? Alone in your room. First thing’s first. Get rid of your roommate. You don’t want to watch a game with anyone unless you know they’re as crazy as you are and you can shout profanities together. Tell him you have a lady friend coming over or that you have explosive diarrhea. Just get him out.


Next, smuggle shit tons of beer into your room and order a pizza or two or whatever you like to eat while watching the big game. Now, the goal is to finish all the food before the game is over. After the food and everything is ready and the game has started, watch intently and take notes. Once halftime comes, give your pep talk to the TV to make sure your team comes back ready for the end. If anyone comes knocking to your door, frantically scream “I’M MASTURBATING” to scare them away. The last thing you want is some jabroni floor-mate intruding on your precious alone time. 


Finally, once all is said and done and the results are in, you have one final step. If your team lost, open your door, then sit in the corner of your bed and cry in the fetal position. This will signal to other die-hard fans of your team who might walk by that you’re sad about the loss. They’ll come into your room to comfort you and there are your friends for the next four years!


Now, if your team won, go to the bathroom and cry in the fetal position in the shower. Because, even though the Packers may have won today, you still lose by having no friends.

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