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Hurricane Joaquin Diverts from Predicted Path, Makes Landfall at Club Lacrosse


In weather patterns unexplained by The National Hurricane Service, Hurricane Joaquin made landfall in Delaware Sunday and immediately tried to get into a club lacrosse party.


The Category 2 storm was predicted to travel along a variety of paths up the coast of the United States, baffling NHS meteorologists as Joaquin’s path to lead right to the lacrosse house’s doorstep. “Usually, we see these cyclones following patterns of moisture and warmer air currents,” said NHS expert Marcy Kendrick. “Here is seems Joaquin just followed the currents of LL Bean boots and North Face vests.”


The massive storm system of heavy rainfall and circular wind patterns waited patiently in line behind several freshmen to get into the party. “I was all like, yo, who do you even know here,” said resident Bret Clark. “Like I don’t care if you’re a hurricane or not. If your ratio is off, you’re not getting in.” When asked by Clark for $5, Joaquin, suddenly sentient, released he lacked the entry fee, as well as a wallet, pockets, clothing, and a tangible body.


The tropical weather system was determined to get in despite possessing virtually zero human qualities. In an act of defiant desperation, Joaquin passed over the players guarding the door and inserted his amorphous, sprawling self through the front door of the house.


The conflict turned physical as a few people tried to grab and reprimand him, but were rained upon and blown away by 100mph winds. Eventually, Joaquin found his way to the basement of the house and tried to party with the other attendants, but ended up filling the basement with rainwater and forcing disgruntled party attendants to swim out the basement windows.


The residents and hosts were livid about the amount of Natty Light lost in the rainwater before realizing their kegs were mostly filled with water anyway.

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