In case you haven’t noticed Panthers, we are T-Minus two days away from shoving bread crumbs inside a dead bird, cooking said bird, devouring said bird, and then falling into a carbohydrate and red wine induced coma. While The Black Sheep could not be more excited about this, we decided to have a little fun this year and compare the schools in the Atlantic Coastal Conference to the people who you lovingly call family (until one of the bastards takes the last slice of pumpkin pie).
Pitt – You
Obvious one here, but it’s a baseline from us to work with. You’re smart, sophisticated, and known for achieving great things. Try to stay humble when your grandma says that you’re her favorite and slips you a cool $50 under the table. You’ll most likely spend the day eating, drinking, and singing Sweet Caroline, even when the song isn’t playing.
Syracuse – Your Younger Sibling
Always trying to outdo you in every way, but usually failing miserably (we’ll give you basketball you damn Oranges), they’ll spend the entire day trying to make everything into a rivalry and bring up accomplishments from years ago. Nobody cares about how good you used to be at sports, you little twerp!
Duke – That Cousin You Despise
Always bragging about himself, always putting other people down, you get physically ill when he comes through the door. He thinks he’s devilishly good-looking, but his goatee is patchy and outdated. You’d rather Satan be at the table for dinner. Everyone thinks he’s talented, but let’s be real, the kid dropped out of school after a year and can barely make it in the “real world.”
Wake Forest – Your Great Uncle
Old, smelly, and vaguely religious, you often forget that he’s even related to you. You have no knowledge of his personal life other than the fact that he isn’t very popular since he just stares at people as if he were possessed. You think he might live down south. Maybe in one of the Carolinas?
Notre Dame – The Estranged Older Cousin
Most of the time this guy doesn’t even like being associated with the family. Kind of a dick move, right? He thinks he’s better than every other family member, but in reality he’s just always drunk. “I’m Irish,” he says whenever people try to cut him off. “Irish you would leave,” you think to yourself.
UNC – The Racist Aunt
The mother of the cousin you despise. She’s loud, chain smokes, and still thinks argyle is a good look. After a half glass of wine she’ll tell you all about how Obama is a radical communist Muslim and that “WE’RE not the ones who are racist.” She seems to be obsessed with heels.
NC State – The Whipped Uncle
Married to the Racist Aunt, he tries to just blend into the background. He loves working with his hands and will probably fix things up around the house. He’s a thin man and you’re not sure where he packs away the food, but it is fun to watch him wolf it down.
Florida State – Your Cousin’s Douchey Boyfriend
There is no way your cousin can marry this guy! He’s noisy, dumb, and obsessed with himself. Jameis Winston is his hero and if you so much as mention crab legs he will flip out. He keeps saying to “Fear the Spear” and you’re honestly not sure if he’s hitting on you.
Virginia Tech – The Turkey
This one is self-explanatory. Gobble, gobble.