Listen. Potatoes are great. They come in all different shapes and sizes, and they’re pretty much the most reliable food out there – they can even be converted into alcohol. But what if your favorite Big Ten School was a potato? What kind of potato would it be? The Black Sheep has done some extensive polling and this is what we’ve found.
Chips – Nebraska
Nebraska’s like the cousin who’s just a little “different” than the rest. Chips are crunchy and delicious, and you’re sure to have a good time with them. But they’re just not potatoes. Also chips can be made of corn, something that Nebraska is weirdly very proud of.
French Fries – Ohio State
Generic, yet pretty reliable. It’s the side order you get wherever you go, regardless of your age. This is similar to Ohio State, who will always have good sports, good parties, and seemingly always are around.
Smiley Fries – Indiana
Like normal fries with a dirty secret, smiley fries are definitely hiding something. Indiana kids are the only ones who get Bloomington – it looks fun in the pictures, but how could anyone possibly enjoy a place surrounded by so little?
Baked Potato – Iowa
Iowa City is a liberal town in the midst of a conservative state. And we all know what liberals love…weed. Get it? Weed? Baked? What a connection.
Sweet Potato – Maryland
Like Rutgers and Nebraska, Maryland will always seem a little bit removed from the pack, a little potato on the outside. But unlike this school, sweet potatoes are fucking fantastic. Sure, they’re not the typical potato, but they taste great and are a good time. They’re welcome whenever.
Mashed Potatoes – Michigan State
Mashed Potatoes are thick and gooey, yet always delicious. If you’ve had bad mashed potatoes, you’re lying. Michigan State is a great time, but it’s likely that your brain will get a little bit thick and gooey after going there for a while.
Potato Salad – Purdue
How someone managed to sneak potatoes into a dish that is otherwise the soul food of middle-aged mothers on a diet is beyond us. Purdue has a lot of engineers, so they probably tackle the difficult questions like this every day.
Steak Fries – Michigan
Like French fries that are trying a little too hard, Michigan is like that one school that wants to believe it’s better than the rest of the Big Ten, but in the end is still rivals with Ohio State. There’s also a raucous debate over the style of fry (regular vs. steak) that is better, and Wolverines and Buckeyes seem to never agree.
Potato Skins – Rutgers
They almost taste good. Potato skins make sense, they’re supposedly healthy, and yet at the same time they’re just not fries. Rutgers can pretend all it wants that it’s a Big Ten school. But New Jersey is not the Midwest. Frankly, New Jersey shouldn’t be anything.
With Cheese – Wisconsin
This is almost too obvious. Potatoes with cheese are just clearly better, much like the University of Wisconsin. And just as a potato with cheese is a party in your mouth, Wisconsin students know how to party…and consume cheese.
Tater Tots – Minnesota
In the same vein that Minnesota seems to be the forgotten school of the Big Ten, tater tots are the forgotten strain of potato. Sure, they’re great, but we’re pretty sure no one just craves tater tots on a regular basis. That said, they’re always a reliable pick, much like Minnesota.
Hash Browns – Illinois
Hash browns, like U of I, are well-rounded. They’ve got the crunch factor, the salty factor, and the could-eat-at-any-time-of-day factor. Illinois athletics are decent, they have good academics, and they’re smack dab in the middle of the Midwest. They work.
Potato Gratin – Northwestern
This potato dish sounds a) complicated and b) like it’s trying to be something that isn’t potatoes. Similarly, Northwestern students are probably trying to escape the party stigma of the Big Ten, when in the end we’re all headed towards the same meaningless existence anyways. Tone it down a notch, Gratin.
Potato Soup – Penn State
Like, we guess you could have Potato Soup, but why consume potatoes like that when you have so many other options? Penn State is the option that you could have taken, but you decided to go somewhere with nicer weather or somewhere that was more convenient to get to instead. Makes sense.