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If UVa Housing Were Famous Celebrities

UVa housing is all over the place (literally) when it comes to location, but also figuratively when considering quality of life. Each building has a celebrity alter ego; be sure you know which overdramatic superstar you’re going to be dealing with before signing your lease for next year.

 

Lambeth- Nickelback 

 

No one knows why everyone hates Lambeth so much; it’s just the socially acceptable thing to do. Yeah, people still live there, but you don’t want to admit it to anyone. You try to hide your misfortune, but everyone can tell you have a secret by the way you stroll down Emmet somberly.

 

Grandmarc- Britney Spears circa 2007

 

You think you’re getting yourself into this cute, fun, ~furnished~ deal until you move in and lose sleep and begin to hate the world and start thinking about ways to make it better… and then you wake up bald. History shows that shaving your head can solve most first-world probs. Speaking of first-world probs, who really needs to throw a pregame every Wednesday night? Is your life that put together, 2032?! Anyways, at least everything can only look up from here, right?

 

The Flats- Justin Bieber

 

They think they’re so cool. Everyone secretly wants to love them, but the fire alarms are just as annoying as Bieber trying to use auto-tune. “What do you mean? People shouldn’t live here?” No, belieb it or not, they are not working to fix the problem. It’s in their blood to annoy you as much as possible, and you’re contractually bound to be their fan since you were one of the first people dumb enough to jump on the bandwagon. They’ll try to make up for it with shitty little pizza parties, but they only buy enough pizza for, like, 4 people, so basically just stay away. The flats are teen-heartthrob trouble.

 

JPA- Ugly crying Kim Kardashian

 

 

You made the decision to wear that tight leather outfit… we mean live so freaking far… yet you’re still going to complain about how long you have to walk to class. And how you get too sweaty when it’s hot. And then frostbite when it’s cold. You want to be different, so you refuse to take the bus full of peasants that can’t handle the pressure. Don’t be mad when someone posts the embarrassing photo of you ugly-crying over the blisters on your feet.

 

Venable- Miley Cyrus

 

Yeah, it looks all cute and innocent next to the elementary school playground. But when the sun sets, and the little kiddies go home, Venable gets a makeover that shocks the world. There’s people waiting to take a line in the bathroom and swinging from wrecking balls. It’s a complete and utter bleach blonde shit show. In the morning, you hope it was all a dream, but the stained image outside scares all the children’s parents when they drop them off for school: “Please don’t turn out like that, honey.”

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