As students, you may have recently noticed an increase in the size and general amount of squirrels rummaging on campus. Students and squirrels have managed to share the campus peacefully for over a century; but recent, hard-hitting investigations done by The Black Sheep proves otherwise. Coming to you exclusively from an inside source in the offices of Patterson Tower, there have been multiple confirmed reports of squirrel-based violence happening on campus. However, the violence is not student-oriented, rather it’s the squirrels on a ravage hunt for revenge.
Jessica, a sophomore at UK, mid afternoon on September 16th, approached her car in the library lot on campus to find that squirrels had broken in. Jessica told officials that she had left her windows cracked to ventilate her car in the heat, however the opening was not one a squirrel could easily squeeze through. The squirrels did hundreds of dollars of damage to the interior of her car and there were multiple scratches found on the exterior. The case was ruled as insignificant in the offices of Patterson Tower, however a personal interview with Jessica discovered that she had hit a squirrel on her way to class that morning.
Derek, a senior at UK who plays on an intramural disc golf team, and his team (six members in total) were practicing one evening in early October when a group of squirrels approached them. One of Derek’s teammates attempted to feed one some leftovers from their earlier lunch when he was bit on the hand. While the other members attempted to tend to the injured player, other squirrels took off with their discs. One team member attempted to chase them down when a squirrel jumped from a tree in attempts to land on the player’s head. Luckily the squirrel was unsuccessful, however these delinquent rodents had cost them over $50 in sports equipment. The team attempted to file a report, however the university showed little sympathy for their losses. Derek later confessed to The Black Sheep that he witnessed the squirrels digging up the land they had been playing on after the rest of the team had left.
Katherine, an avid biker and a junior at UK, commutes via bicycle every day to class and has never had any issues, until one unfortunate evening in October. Katherine had stayed late on campus to attend a meeting with her advisor and upon approaching her bike to ride home she found two squirrels sitting in her bike basket. She shooed them away, but they wouldn’t budge. She then jostled her bike to startle them, in which they scurried away. However, shortly after departing, a squirrel jumped from a tree onto her back causing her to fall off of her bike. The squirrel quickly ran away after, but Katherine experienced multiple scrapes from falling onto concrete, as well as damage to her bicycle and a shattered phone screen. Katherine attempted to report her incident to officials; however again, the officials had little sympathy for her.
These are just three of over two dozen unnoticed reports of squirrel-based violence that have occurred on UK’s campus within the past four months. How many students have to be victimized by squirrel-based violence before the university considers the idea of squirrels as aggressive creatures? The times of peace between students and squirrels has obviously run it’s course and with the well-being of students in mind, something needs to be done. This is our call to action!