By now, the cat’s out of the bag and it’s no secret that Oscar Mayer is ditching Wisconsin to go hangout with the FIBS in Chicago. This sudden and abrupt news has created quite the many questions among the city and state alike. Luckily, we know a guy that’s pretty tight with the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, and it was nice enough to answer a few of our raging, burning, on fire questions about this new turn of events.
The Black Sheep: First of all, it is an honor to meet you Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Like, your interior is so elegant, and it smells like hot dogs, but not in the disgusting way you’d expect.
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: Oh, hey, thanks. I try to keep my interior in tip top shape, especially with so many terrible drivers coming in and out of me. Also, please, call me the Wienermobile. Or OMW. That’s what my wife calls me.
TBS: Okay, sure. So, the question on all of our minds is why the hell are you leaving? You’re a part of our culture! Seeing you driving around campus is a staple of UW.
OMW: I know, I know, and trust me, my decision to leave has nothing to do with that. I love driving around campus and picking people up, giving out my wieners for free, all that fun stuff. I’ve had a great 100 years in this beautiful city and I am so grateful for everything its given me, but I’ve done everything I can do here. I just feel like I’ve gone as far as I can go in this city. I need something new. I need new challenges.
TBS: You mentioned your wife earlier. How does she feel about the move?
OMW: Oh, you know, she has her reservations about it. She’s worried about pulling the kids out of school so late in the year and how they’ll transition to life in Chicago. And of course, she’s made friends here who she doesn’t want to leave, but, you know, so do I. I’m gonna miss Michael Nexus. I am pretty excited to get rid of this shitty Volkswagen who’s always trying to hang out with me, though. I won’t mention their name, but trust me, they suck.
TBS: So what are you going to do in Chicago? What do they have that we don’t?
OMW: Oh wow, where to start. I mean, Trump Towers, the Chicago Theater, huge ass buildings, Shedd Aquarium, Millennium Park with that kooky reflective bean. Not to mention it’s popular enough to have several films and television shows based within the city. It’s got a relevance you guys just don’t have.
TBS: Hey, we were voted best city in the entire country to live in… for retirees!
OMW: If I wanted to retire I’d go to Florida. Not this blizzard of a city. It’s not good on the ol’ engine.
TBS: I heard Scott Walker say he doesn’t care that you’re leaving. He says Wisconsin has nothing to do with you and it won’t really affect us.
OMW: He said that? Really? Wow. You attend the baptism of your friend’s two children and are named the godvehicle of one of them and that’s how they repay you. See, it’s stuff like this that assure me I’m making the right choice.
TBS: Well, sorry you feel that way. We all really wish you would stay. Without you all we have is the Capitol, the governor, one of the best public universities in the country, and loads of beer. We’re really going to miss you. Thanks for doing this interview with us.
OMW: No problem. I’ll miss you, too. Well, not you in particular, but, like, the collective you. You as in the city. Have a nice life!
So that’s it for the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. He’s gone now. Took his family and drove down to Chicago to make it in the Windy City. It truly is the end of an era for Madison, but hopefully we can get a different meat empire to hangout here instead. Or the batmobile. Maybe we can get the batmobile to make Madison its headquarters. That’d be neat. But for now, we’ll just have to find another way to fill the giant wiener void in our hearts.