URBANA – The Illinois Street Residence Hall has reported an alarming amount of movement from its students towards Greg’s room in the past couple of days, one RA reported.
The Urbana residence hall, known for its students living in isolation, isn’t accommodated for student movement at such an extreme rate, according to the University of Illinois’ resident handbook on student housing.
“The only time I’ve seen this type of movement by such a large flock of students was when Jimmy Patson nearly beat the Super Mario 64 speed-run record on Nintendo 64 back in ‘98,” said university housing official Greg Ackerson. “You only really see kids moving around a lot when something big is happening in the gaming world.”
Freshman Kenneth Wickers told The Black Sheep the students have been traveling “in hordes” to the comfort of student Greg Thomlinson’s room, where he recently installed an HDMI splitter that allows split-screen gameplay to be seen on two separate television screens.
“I’ve… I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Wickers, who admitted this was the first time he had seen another human being in over three weeks. “I didn’t know so many other people lived here.”
There are concerns about the students traveling in a large group, according to one ISR employee, who was seen defensively clutching a broom stick, unsure what to do.
“What about their health? Like, what happens when they all get together?” the employee said. “Their immune systems aren’t used to other people – especially not other slobs like themselves. I mean, that guy over there is drinking Mtn. Dew…out of an old Doritos bag.”
Because there was no verbal communication between the students in the residence hall prior to the migration, Wickers said they were able to sense which direction to travel through the smell of farts and beef jerky coming from Greg’s room: Room 335.
“It’s great to see us all in one place like this,” Wickers said. “Now only if people would stop accusing each other of cheating when they get killed in CoD or arguing over whose turn is next before each game of Smash Bros.”
Wickers said there have been a few altercations among the group concerning the rules and regulations of gameplay, but all-in-all the students have been getting along.
“I mean, yeah, we’re having our fights here and there,” Wickers said over a loud commotion following a finishing move in Mortal Kombat. “But we know not to treat our own kind with an overt amount of disrespect or unfairness. We are the same species, after all.”
Ackerson, who is the head of the third floor employees, said that their level of ISR has never smelled so foul in his time there.
“You can practically see the stink lines coming off that fat, pimply kid with the World of Warcraft makeup on,” Ackerson said, pointing at a seemingly motionless blob sitting against a wall in the corner, holding a slushie in his right hand. “I mean, Jesus. Don’t these guys ever get outside?”
The ISR employee caused an explosive ruckus when he tried to open a window in one of the rooms in order to let the boiling stench out.
“WHAT IS THAT?” one student resident yelled out in an unsettling mix of fear and anger when a glare came across his screen. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I JUST DIED BECAUSE OF THAT.”
Ackerson quickly exited and slammed the door behind him as tensions began to rise over a ruling on the easy head shot caused by the glow on the screen.
“It’s madness in there,” Ackerson said, breathing heavily with his back against the door. “Thank God this shit rarely happens.”