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ISU Student Reported Missing After Getting New Girlfriend


Police are searching for a 20-year-old man missing since Sunday, February 14th. ISU sophomore Tim Wareheim was last seen on the afternoon of Valentine’s Day at Buffalo Wild Wings. According to authorities, he was introducing his new girlfriend to his buddies, mere hours after making their relationship “official,” and his friends have since not heard from him.


A missing person report was first filed the following morning by Tim’s roommate, when he noticed he hadn’t come home the previous night. Describing Tim as “not the type of guy who goes out and gets laid,” and apparently unaware of his relationship status, his roommate called Normal police. As of this moment, neither the police nor Tim’s closest friends have any leads on his whereabouts, although his friends suspect that Tim’s “bro-stealing bitch of a girlfriend” is responsible for his disappearance.


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Tim is described as 5-foot-8, 150-pound pasty white man with black hair, green eyes, and an overall “generic white guy” demeanor, police said. He was last seen wearing an ISU hat and a “Keep Calm and Party On” shirt. Police said Tim frequently hangs out at the Bone Student Center, where he studies and chills between classes.


“We just want our friend back,” said a grieving buddy of Tim’s. “Tim, I know you’re out there. That whore you’ve been seeing probably has you trapped somewhere, meeting her parents and watching chick flicks with her. I have faith that we’ll one day smoke blunts again, just like old times.”


Nevertheless, not everybody is concerned about Tim’s disappearance. “Oh, I’m sure Tim is just spending time with that new girlfriend of his,” commented Tim’s grandmother. “You know, that’s what you’ve gotta do in any new relationship. You’ve gotta put aside everything else for a while and focus on each other. I haven’t met Tim’s new girl yet, but I hear she’s a sweetheart. I’m so glad to hear that. Tim’s a sweet guy. He deserves a girl like that. I hope she restores the confidence he lost after that no-good girl he was dating cheated on him. The poor kid cried for weeks. I’m sorry, I’ve said too much. I hope he’s not embarrassed.”


Anyone with information should call The Black Sheep Special Victims Unit at (555) 555-5555.


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