With the heavy influx of freshmen this year, Illinois State University decided to place extra emphasis and importance on STD prevention and safe sex. After brainstorming different strategies to reach the students, the university board agreed on a campaign that they thought would best relate to everyone; Pokémon.
President Larry Dietz said of the new STD prevention plan, “What better way to reach the young people than with a beloved show and card game they grew up with? We’ve got things planned out for all the various creatures to get the young people pumped about the sensation-ruining experience that is safe sex and condom usage!” Although the university was confident in its ability to relate to students, they couldn’t possibly have imagined just how seriously students would take the Pokémon theme.
It became apparent just days after the STD prevention program began that it had backfired; students were literally trying to catch ‘em all. Watterson, Hewett-Manchester, and Tri-Towers participated in the campaign by getting all of the RAs to decorate the halls with pictures of Pokémon cleverly renamed to be relevant to the issue. One banner in the breezeway of Madison 4 in Watterson read, “Don’t be a Whorlax, use a condom.”
Freshman Kyle Mahone told The Black Sheep, “As soon as I read Whorlax, I thought, ‘Wow, what a sweet-ass name. It’s like Snorlax, only new and evolved’ and like, honestly who wouldn’t want a cool nickname like Whorlax?” Surprisingly, many other students had the same mindset as Kyle and from that moment on, students in the dorms began competing to literally catch em’ all.
Word got around campus quickly and once students decided that it would be cool to catch ‘em all, the game was on. The G Spot set up emergency tents by Schroeder, the Bone Center, and multiple places in the Quad in a last-ditch effort to stop these horny, competitive Pokémon masters.
The efforts were ignored completely and the situation only grew worse. Students were hooking up nonstop. “We couldn’t keep the kids off each other,” says University board member Bob Duchman. “The students were all up on each other like somebody had glued their naughty bits together. They didn’t even care if it was in their rooms or the middle of Milner Plaza, they’d just decide to start going at it. It was one of the most disturbing, erotic displays I’ve ever seen.”
Some “more determined” students didn’t go to any classes because they were too busy trying to bang every notoriously easy man or woman they could get their hands on. While STD rates skyrocketed among the majority of the student population, one student in particular has risen to a level seemingly unattainable. Senior and Pokémon master, Ian Smith, was the first to catch HerpegonasiphilAIDS. In essence, he did it; he caught em’ all.
Since his diagnosis, Smith was given a gold-plated Pokéball by a group of admiring Pokémon amateurs. “It’s an honor, really,” Smith told us, while itching some Pokéballs of his own. “Besides all the ointment, medical bills, and the fact that it feels like I’m pissing fire anytime I have to go to the bathroom, this is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me. I never thought in a million years that’d I’d be the most famous kid on campus, but look at me now! Everyone knows and loves me! The nurses even took pictures of me and told me that they were gonna use me as an example all across the nation. The nation, can you believe it?”