You’ve just turned in your dorm key, said goodbye to your RAs, and Debbie, your dad’s new girlfriend, is about to pick you up outside of Seton. A lot’s happened, but the one thing that defines your freshman year is your boyfriend. This is the first time that you’re going to be more than five doors away from each other. Now you have to find a way to make sure that he knows that you’re the center of his world even though you’re spending the next three months apart.
Keep it Sexy
Because you’re super advanced and cooler than most girls, you know that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his penis. You know how keep the sexy alive. You can introduce new ways to sex it up, like Skype-sex. Just be sure to remind your partner to lock the door so their dog, Cap’n Crunch, doesn’t walk in when you’re in character, channeling a stressed out Hillary Clinton web-sexing the Prime Minister of Genovia. It’s far more entertaining than role-playing the T-Rex from Jurassic World and Jeff Goldblum. Just saying.
Keep it Sexy, Even When He’s Busy
Unfortunately, the Skype appearances are going to be difficult to keep up because you’re working full time at the country club and your boyfriend, let’s call him Dan, just got offered a managerial position at the Foot Locker in Downers Grove Mall. Since you’re both going to be away from home, you could perform Facetime sex during your lunch breaks.
Because you know all the ins and outs of Skype/Facetime/anal sex, Dan should get how lucky he is and that he will never again be so blessed to have a woman like you in his life. Which is why getting tattoos inspired by your everlasting love is a must. Surprise him with a fleet of owls from The Guardians of Ga’hoole tattooed on your left butt cheek. After all, it was while watching The Guardians of Ga’hoole when you told Dan “I love you” and he said, “ditto.”
Taking it to the Next Level
Dan said the tattoo was “weird” and “creepy,” but that’s ok! You need to connect on a deeper, more emotional level than just tattoos (you can drug him and give him one in the middle of the night anyway). The two of you should keep the romance alive by mimicking the greats of romantic drama. Pull a Van Gogh and cut off one of your ears. Overnight it to him. Not only does it prove that you’re in it to win it, but you definitely have the upper hand in the next argument that you get into. “Well, did that slut-bucket, Tammy, cut off her ear for you, Dan? DID SHE? ANSWER ME!!”
Just because the two of you are going to be separated for three months doesn’t mean that he “needs time to think.” He’s had the past year “to think.” Dan needs to remember that the one thing he cares about more than Kickstart and days at the gym designated to body parts is you. And if he doesn’t, you will no longer do that thing with your feet and the Swiffer.