Once again, Florida State University has been claimed the number one recruiting class in the nation for the football class of 2020. The 2016 football season is shaping up to be another memorable one for the Seminoles. Many are wondering how Head Coach Jimbo Fisher has managed to continually build a team comprised of some of the best prospective athletes in the country. According to a source close to athletic staff, Fisher is able to convince student athletes simply by making them an offer they can’t refuse: he promises them they can “live in the nice dorm.”
“It’s a real fear for all potential student athletes that they will have to live in a building where they have to walk down the hall to go to the bathroom or have three other roommates. So I came up with a novel idea a few years back,” Fisher explained. “I put together a little freshman starter pack. One of the selling points is that we promise our student athletes they can live in a building like Dorman or the new Deviney.”
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Located just walking distance from Denny’s (which, on another note, has absurdly rebranded itself as “The Den”) these new building are crucial in convincing student athletes to commit to Florida State. These buildings offer luxury amenities, such as state of the art ping-pong tables and rentable vacuums that sometimes work if you try really hard.
“When Jimbo Fisher and FSU reached out to me, I didn’t know what to think,” quarterback recruit Malik Henry said. “But when Fisher laid everything out on the table, I mean how can you turn that down? Plus he said that I could take a few Intro to Psych classes and call it a day. That’s too good to pass up!”
It’s not a perfect system but it seems to work. Once again, Jimbo has the top recruiting team and the college football world is buzzing over the potential of new athletes. So what else is offered to these potential recruits? When the offer of a nice dorm and a few easy intro courses doesn’t work, what does the Seminole recruiting staff fall back on?
“We sweeten the deal with a few additional offers,” Ronda Mays, a member of Fisher’s recruiting staff, said. “If they clearly aren’t sold on the promise of living in a luxury hall, we have a few other tricks up our sleeve. We offer student athletes an additional $250 dollars in Flex Bucks, golf cart rides around campus, and a hoverboard. They love these hoverboard things.”
So, Jimbo’s responsible for the influx in hoverboard traffic on FSU’s campus? Is this the quid pro quo that we must come to accept in exchange for another potential National Championship ranking? Only time shall tell if Fisher’s team is going to be able to deliver what they promised. There’s not much we can do now. Next year, however, when you’re in a freshman dorm, an introduction to geology or psychology class, at Chili’s on campus, or even just see a hoverboard on campus, smile and know that Jimbo Fisher is out there fighting for you and the reputation of our school.