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Let’s Get it On: A Vol’s Guide to Sex Week

 

Sex Week, UT’s annual controversy, is upon us once more. From Monday to Friday, sex-positive events will be held all across campus. You can also count on a protest by one or dozens of religious groups, lots of awkward eye contact, and more free condoms than you can use in your lonely little life. Unfortunately for the average Vol, there are too many events to attend them all. The Black Sheep is here to give you a day-by-day breakdown of this week’s festivities. Strap in (or on) and get ready for one fleshy week.

 

Monday:
At 12:20 in the Great Room of the International House you should attend “Tinder Lovin’ Care,” an event designed to help students make the most of popular dating app Tinder. Presumably, students will be told to pose with a dead animal in their profile picture, or use one of eight “clever” lines in their bio.

 

Tuesday Morning:
Get STI tested. It’s free and you probably need it.

 

Tuesday Night:
Get out your whips and chains and head down to AMB 27 for the “Fifty Shades of Orange” event at 6:15. Unlike Fifty Shades of Grey, this event might actually teach you something about consensual sexual relations. No matter what you learn at this event, just remember: come Game Day, there is only one shade of orange: Volunteer Orange.

 

Wednesday Morning:
Get STI tested again, you gross fornicators.

 

Wednesday Night:
Clear your schedules and get ready to get hot at “Tongue in Cheek: Oral Pleasure” at 8p.m. in AMB 210. We can only assume that good ole Jimmy Cheek will be hosting this event himself and that it will revolve around Cheek’s specific fetishes and preferences. If you have ever wanted to get into Jimmy Cheek’s skinny jeans, you can’t afford to miss this.

 

Thursday Morning:
Get STI tested. Jimmy Cheek may say he’s “clean,” but just to be safe…

 

Thursday Afternoon:
For the monogamists out there, plan to attend “After ‘I Do’: Beyond Marriage Equality.” We may not be a “ring by spring” school, but thanks to Tennessee’s stellar sex ed we have had our fair share of shotgun weddings. And who knows, maybe some Vols even marry out of love. In any case, whether you are married or not, you can attend this. Or don’t. It’s your choice.

 

Friday Morning:
Get STI tested. You know the drill.

 

Friday Afternoon:
On Friday afternoon, pretend that the phrase is still funny and relevant and head over to “Netflix and Chill,” a workshop about college relationships held in the Great Room of the International House at 1:25. And after that, head over to your local graveyard and hold a funeral for the phrase “Netflix and Chill.” The dead horse hath officially been beat.

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