Dear Michigan State University,
Your bathrooms are an abomination and a disgrace to us all. How are you letting this happen? Have you tried to use the porcelain throne here, like, ever? It’s a nightmare. Here’s a breakdown of the average student trying to use these literal shit-holes:
“Can I make it back to my Cedar Village apartment? Nope. Dammit, where is the closest place to drop this deuce? Snyder? Alright, cool, maybe I can grab some food after.”
So you turtle-head your way over there, and the fun just doesn’t stop.
“Thank God, there’s no one in here. Son of a bitch. I don’t get service in here. Well, let’s turn on this Wi-Fi. Jesus H. Christ. The Wi-Fi doesn’t work either? Was this bathroom designed to be a nuclear bomb shelter as well? Is there any need for these walls to be this thick? I might as well be pooping in an outhouse in the Wild West with this service. Let’s just get this over with so I can actually go back to the real world. Shit, did someone just walk in on me shitting? Can I get some privacy for five minutes? Is that too much to ask for?”
But even when you’re done the nightmare still continues.
“What the Hell? Single-ply toilet paper? I’m paying $20,000 for a piece of paper and this godforsaken school can’t splurge for some Charmin? I bet Tom Izzo and Mark Dantonio’s offices don’t use fuckin’ single-ply toilet paper. Jesus. I actually feel worse than I did pre-shit. Freaking Snyder, I’m never coming back here, no matter how good that delicious pub menu is.”
Michigan State Administration, all we want to do is check Twitter and use a butt-wiping material that is just a little bit better than sandpaper. It’s not too much to ask for. But if it is, here are some suggestions that can make the lives of students a little bit better:
Newspaper Racks: Case Hall has ‘em, why not everywhere else? If your Wi-Fi isn’t going to extend to the bathrooms then the least you can do is put a newspaper rack with some papers in the bathrooms so students can have something to do while we relieve ourselves. We don’t even care if it’s The State News, just give us something.
Music: Put some speakers and play the radio in the bathrooms. Literally any station. Anything to make this process seem like it’s going by faster would be helpful.
Dry Erase Boards on the Stall Doors: This is a great way to make new friends or advertise clubs, and it’s environmentally friendly without all the flyers being put up. We’re already a green school, why not make it an environmentally green school?
Some Sort of Video Screen: Just have the Rose Bowl and Big Ten Championship game playing on repeat. Students will love it enough to think you might actually care about us. Plus, you can edit out the commercial and have people pay for their own advertisements so you can actually afford decent toilet paper.
Personalized Messages from Sparty Cheering Us On: Sometimes we aren’t having the best day and need a little pick me up. So how about a system where we can type in your PID and have a little video from Sparty where he’s say how we’re an inspiration and that every day we can make a difference. We’d use that stall for sure.
Your shit-shacks are a disgrace, Michigan State. We know you’re ashamed of it, but you can fix it. We don’t ask for much, so now is your chance to step up and do the right thing. We know you have it in you.
The Student Body