Each year, thousands of incoming freshmen whore themselves out to the masses of other high school graduates through their respective FSU class of Facebook page. Their posts serve as a personalized cover letter to their public resume. Potential roommates will be quickly scrutinized based on the About, Photos, and Timeline sections of their Facebook profile page. The Black Sheep has decided to respond to a selection of recent posts to help these lil’ future freshmen assimilate into college life and better sell themselves to each other.
Wet and Sandy Cheeks:
That’s nice and all, but we can’t get on board with the last minute beach plans. It sounds like you might forget your towel in the rush and we’re sure as shit not sharing ours. That means one of us will be sandy and wet on the ride back to campus and then get sandy sheets which is the worst, all because of your rushed plans. Careless.
Triple the Threat:
A reasonable person would most definitely be sure to keep the room clean for you. Judging by your personal description, you’re stronger, faster, and more flexible than any potential roommate. There are more than enough skills stacked up in your favor to intimidate any slob.
Procrastination is Future Frustration:
It appears that you have landed yourself an un-fun roommate by waiting too long. If you somehow figure out how to “go out a ton” and take Pre-Med classes, please let the rest of the Pre-Med students know how this was accomplished. Also, The Black Sheep Pro Tip: don’t ever say you’re a medicine major when you’re inside Dirac. You’ll receive several menacing glares, which might be a lot to handle as a freshman. Talk to an advisor about a potential Pre-Med track. You got this.
Flip Cup Hubris:
Just because you won a few flip cup games at your senior prom after-party (that you supplied with your step-dad’s beer) doesn’t mean you’re a champion of anything. Some people on this campus take their drinking games very seriously and would duel you for such an arrogant post. Practice your technique in the privacy of your own dorm before venturing out into the strange world of FSU house parties.
Dealer or No Deal:
If the whole roommate situation doesn’t work out, at least the incoming class of 2020 has found itself a new weed dealer. The RA will never suspect that the bodacious smell floating through the dorm hallway is coming from the room of the chill vegetarian film major who just wants to enjoy Netflix, travel, and “have adventures.”
Top Tier Talent:
From what has been gathered here, it seems like you’ll be fratting it up on a top tier, or at least upper-mid tier level. There will be many beer chugs and pastel colored button down shirts in your future. On a personal and serious note, let me know if you can get me into a Heritage Grove tailgate after you’re done pledging.
Medicine is Lit AF:
Shit. Another Medicine major? The Black Sheep couldn’t find this anywhere in the archives of the FSU academic program guide. Give the people what they want Thrasher! This person wants to get lit af and become part of the medical field goddammit.
What’s My Age Again?:
This post could double as a try-out for the spot as a lead singer in an angsty pop punk cover band. Your dad just doesn’t fucking get you or your complicated friends. You might actually enjoy 90’s night at standard. (Pregame Heavily).
We’ll be here all night all day if there’s anything we missed. Except for finding out any information on how to major in medicine and get lit af. We literally have no idea how to do that..