Following the recent relocation of Kirkbride Jesus to the Academy Street Crossing, the local Christian group Heaven’s Angels Teaching Evildoers or HATE, have decided to conduct a countrywide search for the next Kirkbride Jesus.
Head Chairman Homer Fobik stated, “We just have no choice but to find a replacement. I mean, now that the old Kirkbride Jesus has changed locations, he can no longer stake claim to the Kirkbride Jesus name.” The group is also partnering with Fox News to bring a nationwide coverage of their search in a series called America’s Next Top Damner hosted by Bill O’Reilly.
Mr. Fobik said that the contestants will be rated on four categories: deflection, persistence, shaming, and talent. “Persistence and deflection go hand-in-hand because these days you’ll get a lot of questions from college kids based on ‘science’ and ‘credible sources.’ So you gotta find a way to get around these questions and keep on shoving your outdated views into their faces without ever stopping to consider that they may actually be right.”
“But when it comes to the work of a campus preacher, shaming is key,” He continued. “We’re not looking for a subtle shamer either; we’re looking for an all-out Rush Limbaugh. Someone who will just open their mouth and make people feel like shit and unapologetically do it to the next person that walks by. That’s what we’re really looking for.”
Fobik also informed reporters that the talent requirement was a relatively new category, one that resulted from a study they tried out a few weeks back with the anti-socialist bagpipers in front of Kirkbride. They found that students were more receptive of propaganda materials when you place loud obnoxious musicians in their way. “Based on this, they are eagerly looking for applicants who will not only stand, preach, and vilify passersby, but also enchant them with a nice song of imminent damnation,” Fobik added.
The group hopes all their efforts will bring in qualified candidates from all across the bible belt who are deeply rooted in their dogma and hatred to claim the title of the next Kirkbride Jesus and all the picket sign-holding perks that come with it.