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Local DePaul Student Fails Summer Classes

Chuck Strong, a senior at DePaul University, went home to visit his family only to be faced with an all-too-familiar and terrifying situation. Chuck was stuck taking classes this summer to make up for his -1.0 GPA during the spring quarter.

 

Upon arriving home, Chuck’s parents asked to see his summer grades. The Black Sheep caught up with Chuck for comment, “I wasn’t really surprised, my parents are always trying to get in my business.”

 

Obviously, if his spring GPA doesn’t tip you off, Chuck failed his summer classes. “It’s summer, ya know. I shouldn’t be sitting in a cramped classroom on the 8th floor of the DePaul Center learning the economic theory of Nerdy McNerdBomb. I should be out drinking and sexing all the stuff,” Chuck told us, seemingly in an effort to look cool.

 

Initially, chuck attempted to deflect his parents line of questioning by telling them that his grades weren’t posted yet. A strategy that worked for approximately 24 hours before the questions started to return.

 

“We heard that little Sally down the street got her grades already and she was in the same class as Chuck,” said Chuck’s jovial and upbeat mother while wolfing down the delicious Chipotle burrito we gave her to talk to us. Chuck responded to this new information with, “Sally’s just a little asshole. She’s had it in for me since I took her lollipop back in the kindergarten. Why is that stupid freshmen taking Econ 101 anyway?”

 

Upon reaching out to Sally from down the street she responded with, “Who the hell is Chuck Strong? And why is a senior taking a freshmen class?”

 

Chuck then resorted to his backup plan and lied and told them he got an A. “That’s when they really started pressuring me to see my grades, but I’m not an idiot, I know my rights.” Chuck brought up FERPA and claimed he didn’t want to break the law by sharing his grades. Ultimately this strategy failed after learning he already signed those rights away.

 

“That was the moment I knew I was in trouble. But I still had a couple of tricks up my sleeve,” Chuck explained. Chuck then admitted to failing, but tried to blame it on being stressed from school and a terrible teacher. Chuck’s strained and clearly irritated father told us, “Yeah, yeah, of course he was lying. Can you leave now?” He then proceeded to give a strange signal by pointing at the door.

 

Upon realizing the gravity of his situation, Chuck resorted to his contingency plan. “I had two choices at that point. I could either run away right there and live the rest of my life running from the law. Or I could… Well…” He trailed off referring to his eventual strategy of crying like a little baby. The scene was so sad and pathetic that his parents kicked him out and told him to go back to school.

 

We reached out once again to Chuck’s parents to understand they’re reaction. Chuck’s mother responded by telling, “Chuck was a very naughty boy and deserved to be punished.”

 

Chuck’s father had a different point of view. He grabbed us by the shoulders and yellded, “Seriously, get the hell out of my house!!!” We assume he was retroactively talking about Chuck. We waited in the bushes for another couple hours to make sure.

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