As the leaves start to change in Blacksburg, many Virginia Tech students will be putting on their scarves and remembering they like coffee — but for some people it’s the start of something new entirely. When the temperature begins to reach the 50 and below range, Blacksburg’s idiot community knows it’s time to pull out the basketball shorts.
“I’ve waited six months for cold weather so I could bust out these bad boys,” said Stephen R. who genuinely believes he eats an average of 10 spiders per year in his sleep. When asked why he does what he does, he responded, “Maybe I’m warm blooded or something, who knows? By the way, did you know blood is blue in your veins?”
Basketball shorts season is arguably the most important time of the year for proud idiots, many of whom remember their first time wearing shorts in frigid temperature. “I’ll never forget the first time I walked out into freezing weather in a pair of silk shorts,” said Will C., “one day you’re posting homophobic comments on 4Chan, the next you’re outside fighting frostbite while refusing to acknowledge it and thinking of homophobic comments to post on 4Chan.”
The idiot community has had difficulties in representing their cause, likely as a result of being “too busy watching Entourage.” In an effort to have their voice heard, idiots have named Allen E. their official spokesperson. Allen is a longtime idiot whose credentials include a habit of refusing to tip servers and asking “why is there no white history month?”
“We demand to be taken seriously,” said Allen, speaking on behalf of idiots everywhere. Allen claims, “There’s more to us than liking our own Facebook statuses and yelling at strangers from moving cars.” Allen has been a lifelong advocate for the right to make poor decisions and argue that the moon landing was staged. “We’re human beings, and all we’re asking is to wear basketball shorts in 30 degree weather in peace,” he said while hunched over with his arms folded repeating, “I’m fine. It’s fine.”