GVSU and its authorities have issued a statement to the public that brings great news and wonder to residents from all over the west part of the state. On October 1st at around 12:07 p.m., construction workers putting up the infrastructure for the rec center expansion found what is now believed to be the tomb of a lost ancient civilization.
“This changes everything we know about history,” remarked archaeologist Clarence Fisher, “The Spaniards weren’t the first to come to America. Neither were the Vikings. This new society was—And holy shit that’s cool dude.”
Upon further inspection of the dig site, it appears that almost an entire city was built below the Allendale GVSU campus. The archaeologists already believe they know who built the city: “We believe the city to be created by the Greeks because of the nude male statues,” said Fisher, “there are a lot of wangs at the rec center. A LOT of wangs.”
The city once had everything that a 500 A.D. era would have such as brothels and community baths, similar to that of the Roman and Greek Empires in Europe, and even FREAKING PARKING SPACES, which seems to still be an issue in this common age.
Self-proclaimed philosopher, Dick McGanis, proudly proclaimed: “Well, of course I knew that there would be an ancient civilization discovered here in west Michigan. I had a vision back in high school, at the gamer’s table at lunch, that such a discovery would be made at GVSU. That’s why I went here. I wanted to be here when it happened so I could prove my intelligence, which is already proven by my IQ of…” We didn’t allow him to further comment.
Other students were very excited about the discovery and used it as an excuse to
get totally wasted have a few adult beverages on a Thursday mid-afternoon. Others just sat and watched as the news vans from Grand Rapids came to GVSU to do a report on something actually newsworthy (rather than whatever this garbage was).
Regardless of this major discovery and seemingly massive amount of evidence, some skeptics are still making their voices heard: “Anybody could have just gone under the parking lot before it was being torn down, sculpted a ‘massive, modern city,’ covered it up in dirt, then come back to the surface,” retorted senior sociology major, Martina McBride. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the whole thing was faked so that GVSU would get tourist money and some kind of positive national attention after the wrecking ball fiasco.”
Whatever the case may be regarding this amazing discovery, it has been assured by the university staff that students are welcome to watch the dig site excavation but are to refrain from going down into the site itself. We wouldn’t want any of our students to become “lost in history,” too!