One brave Ohio University male cheerleader joined the team thinking he it would be a great way to pick up chicks, but that unfortunately has not been the case.
“I haven’t gotten with one girl on this cheerleading team,” said junior women’s studies major, Max Martin. “I specifically joined this team freshman year to get laid, my time is running out. What gives?”
Martin joined the cheerleading team after getting dropped from his fraternity, Omega Epsilon his freshmen year due to personal reasons..
“We dropped that goober because he had a ton of school spirit, which was not frat at all,” said Omega Epsilon pledgemaster Doug Curtis. “He actually wanted to go to the football games instead of tailgating with us, and he freaked out the bitches that would come over to our house to drink our liquor while ignoring us. We couldn’t stand his geed-like spirit and his inability to get some boobs to touch, so we dropped him.”
The male cheerleader of three years has almost done everything to get with the hot cheerleaders.
“I do everything that is necessary that’s part of being a male cheerleader,” said a confused Martin. “I lift up the girls by their feet and I even yell into some plastic megaphone that no one can hear because my voice is drowned out by the yelling girls I’m trying to have sex with. What can I possibly be doing wrong?”
The junior cheerleader was under the impression that if he joined something that a ton of hot girls joined, then he’d be more likely to get laid.
“I’m a women’s studies major for crying out loud,” said a frustrated Martin. “I even tried to rush a sorority, but I heard it was pretty tough to lay pipe in a cult. I didn’t get called back to the top houses, so it didn’t matter too much anyway.”
The Ohio University cheerleaders offered some insight on why he wasn’t laying any pipe with anyone on the cheerleading team.
“Max is such a sweet guy and such a great listener. We love having him on the team because he gives such great advice!” said cheerleader Brittany Smith. “He’s honestly, like, a brother and his advice is the reason why I’m with my current boyfriend Steve. I’m so happy because Steve is in a top house!”
Another cheerleader echoed Brittany’s sentiments on Martin’s behavior on the cheerleading team.
“He has such a big heart and has great spirit for Ohio University, so obviously I don’t deserve him because I can’t fix him,” said cheerleader Michelle Williams. “I only date assholes anyway. And even if he joined this team specifically to get laid, that’s only a douchebag move, not asshole level.
Thankfully, Max has one more year of opportunity to get with somebody on the cheerleading team, and really any girl on the Ohio University campus or else his worst nightmare will come true.
“I’m going to graduate with a degree in women’s studies and the only thing on my resume will be being a male cheerleader. Who’s going to want to screw me in the real world?” said Martin.
They put actual crack in PSLs, right?