Between the butter-saturated grilled cheeses and endless pizzas that continuously grease Pitt’s digestive systems, Pitt’s main cafeteria Market Central has perfected the combination of fiber and sawdust to produce maximum solid waste evacuation in each diner’s system. Recently, most members of fraternities have reported the cheeseburgers in particular as, “wicked bro.”
But along with better tasting meat a new controversy has risen out of the kitchen’s stoves. At the insistence of a market worker who prefers to be called “Crazy Mike the Singing Omelet Maker,” panther meat has been detected in the food products served at Market. How did Mike know? He used his keen senses to conclude the meat was indeed of the species Panthera onca or the common black panther. His conclusive evidence was released yesterday in a Market press conference:
“Yep, I was just done rapping about my landlord and cooking my last omelets for a few students when the boss told me to take my lunch break. I decided to have a cheeseburger, and whaddaya know, it said on the box in the freezer ‘Panther’s Meat’! Tasted just like chicken.”
Now as we all know, the main food groups in Market are fiber, fiber-shaped fruits, grease, dishwasher coffee, stir-fry, and that vegetable junk place at which nobody ever eats. Every student goes wild over the scrambled eggs made from a powder mix, the four day old cereal, and the mac and cheese Market workers strive to provide us with. But panther in our meats? This is too far.
It was confirmed that traces of the cat were found in rice, noodles, ice cream, cheeseburgers, grilled cheeses, fries, soup, that questionable gooey stir fry sauce, pizzas, pasta, salads, pineapple, watermelon, and even bread. No matter what you may have had at Market recently, based on Crazy Mike’s findings, it was sure to have contained panther.
The most betrayed and angry among the masses of bathroom-seeking Market fanatics is Roc, Pitt’s faithful panther. Roc, a professional mascot animal, was interviewed following the findings of yesterday and seemed mildly distraught:
“You put my sister in that batch of hamburgers!? I only noticed that I ate my sister after the last bite went past my fangs. Have you ever eaten your sister? Do you know what that means!? Do you think that eating cats is a joke?! Have some pride and stop eating my family! ‘Hail to Pitt’? More like ‘Hail to Make Roc A Cannibal.’ Hey what? Wait, that’s pointy! who—”
According to Jerkin Cleaver, a Market Central food preparer, Roc had a prior obligation. “Roc had a relaxing hot water bath he was late for,” he said. “It was necessary to cut Roc’s statement for your paper into little pie- I mean short because he had to coo- I mean bathe.”
Jerkin is the senior meat and sausage handler at market, and has had his job for three years. Whether you enjoy eating panther or not is up to you. Most students see it as a sign of disrespect, but some Pitt freshmen are hooked on the meat’s zesty taste. There is one thing everyone can agree on though, and that is that nobody has seen Roc for a while now…