As a student at the UIUC, you know better than to go to McKinley Health Center when you’re not feeling 100%. Why? Because, like Donald Trump, McKinley is typically going to tell it like it is – and is typically going to be incredibly incorrect. The Black Sheep was able to get a closer look at the diagnosis McKinley gave some UIUC students this past week versus what the student actually has.
Patient 1: Jessica Lewis:
Lewis visited McKillme last Tuesday after finding a cut on her left pinky. She had been working with sheets of paper all day long and complained of a burning sensation where the cut had occurred.
WebMD Diagnosis: Paper Cut
McKinley Diagnosis: Alcohol Poisoning
Patient 2: Justin Williams:
Williams visited McKinley Wednesday morning after a late Tuesday night at the ARC, where he regularly plays pick-up basketball. He would’ve gone to the health center Tuesday night, but god forbid they stay open past 4 p.m. Williams complained of not being able to take a dump, feeling constipated, and having consumed a lot of dairy products prior to going out to the ARC.
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WebMD Diagnosis: Irritable Bowel Syndrome
McKinley Diagnosis: Athlete’s Foot
Patient 3: Kolb Cobb:
Cobb attends routine checkups at McKinley 1-3 times a week. He appears to be fine, but is a complete idiot that puts a lot of effort into 100-level classes and always diligently takes notes and does extra work for ATMS 120.
WebMD Diagnosis: OCD
McKinley Diagnosis: He’s a tryhard
Patient 4: Chatrice Wilmington:
Wilmington was under the weather following her 8 a.m. class on Wednesday and had a runny nose plus a little cough. She took her temperature and was a 101oF.
WebMD Diagnosis: Common Cold/Fever
McKinley Diagnosis: Pregnant
Patient 5: Nathan Davis:
Davis spends several nights a week at Fat Sandwich with the bros and then heads over to Insomnia for a Cookiewich. Due to his late nights out, he gets very little sleep and is starting to become nocturnal.
WebMD Diagnosis: Insomnia
McKinley Diagnosis: Insomnia Cookies
Patient 6: Isaiah Felix:
Felix eats unusually large amounts of food on a daily basis. Felix is a freshman that lives in Taft-Van Doren Residence Hall and eats even when he’s full until he’s uncomfortably full. Felix feels depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty, hungry, and upset about his eating.
WebMD Diagnosis: Binge-Eating Disorder
McKinley Diagnosis: Freshman 15
Patient 7: Mike Foreman:
Foreman claimed to McKinley doctors on Friday afternoon that he had been feeling like he had a fever, headache, muscle aches, tiredness, and loss of appetite recently.
WebMD Diagnosis: The Mumps
McKinley Diagnosis: The Mumps
If anything can be learned from looking at how great McKinley is at diagnosing your problems, just know they’re only good at knowing who has the mumps. Stay healthy this season, Illini!