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Minuscule Amount of Snow Prompts UNCC to Cancel Classes Forever


This Sunday, Charlotte and other surrounding areas in North Carolina saw rain mixed with snow flurries early in the AM. With roughly ¼ inch or less of snow, Chancellor Dubois bundled up from his residence on campus, eyes wide with panic as he watched the flakes dissipate before they even met the ground.


Class will be called off for the rest of time itself,” Dubois was reported to be whispering to himself.


Many students were planning on going to class tomorrow but were met with the UNCC website announcement that erased the university from existence from here on out. Although this declaration was met with mass confusion, there were other mixed reactions throughout the university.


“I don’t understand. It is literally 40 degrees and sunny right now. I can ride a bike to class right now. I’m wearing shorts for God’s sake!” protested senior Walker Mills, exercising on campus during the holiday weekend. “They said classes are cancelled forever. What am I supposed to do now?” Mills also mentioned that he was supposed to graduate this semester and, because all offices are closed until the sun engulfs the earth, he won’t be able to transfer to another university or get his mathematics and engineering double major degree that he’s been working on for almost 4 years now. Needless to say, he’s rather disappointed.


Other students weren’t as upset about the news. Undeclared freshman Chris Driver had this to say about the sudden closure of the campus, “This is awesome! School’s out forever! Hahaha! Get it? Like that one song? Well whatever. I’m here on a grant anyway. I don’t really care. Do you think I’ll get my money back for spring semester?”


Norm was spotted wandering around campus like a lost puppy — cold, hungry, and slightly damp from the Sunday showers. When approached for questioning of the university’s demise in light of the snow, he burst out into tears. “Who’s gonna come out to the basketball games with snow? Nobody goes in the first place!”


When reminded that all sports events were to be cancelled indefinitely, Norm rose his pick axe to the clear, rather sunny sky and took a moment to absorb this tragic loss. He then asked if we wanted to dance with him one last time. He half heartedly began “dabbing” but the spark was long gone. “It’s third down, Niner Nation,” he whispered dejectedly, slumping off towards the dorms.


By Sunday evening at the Walmart on N Tryon, Chancellor Dubois was finally found stockading up on snowpocalypse essentials for the university’s emergency state. “Bread, check. What am I forgetting? My goodness, I almost forgot milk! All this talk of snow has me losing my marbles!” He chuckled nervously, sprinting towards the back of the store.


In regards to finances and refunds, we were unable to reach any UNC Charlotte employee for comment on the subject. When trying to call any of the offices, we were met with the following voice message, “Hello UNC Charlotte, the university will be closed until the universe reaches a state where time can no longer exist and life itself will be extinguished like a small flame that was never meant to be. Thank you for your cooperation. If you have any inquiries, please wait until we reopen on [static noises]. Enjoy the break and be careful out in these weather conditions. Drive safely in the snow. Go Niners!”



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