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Missing Pitt Student Found Under Pile of Laundry

 

The older you get, the more you realize that being an adult really sucks. You have to cook, clean, and do chores. One such responsibility that seems to be the most tedious is laundry. You have to sort it, haul it to the washing machine, do advanced calculus to figure out how much soap to use, and then wait for it to clean. But what happens if you just refuse to wash your laundry? One Panther learned the consequence of this action all too well.

 

It first came to the attention of administrators this past week that Lane Abbott, a sophomore at the University of Pittsburgh, had gone missing when her roommate Sarah reported her absence to the Pitt Police. At 10 p.m. on Friday, the 13th of November, a missing persons investigation was fully underway and search parties combed the South Oakland streets as well as all of campus.

 

Days passed. With no luck, police called off the search on Sunday morning. Abbott’s parents issued a statement to The Black Sheep after the devastated search party relinquished efforts. “We have no idea where she would’ve gone, she’s so much of a homebody we just couldn’t imagine her running away or even leaving her dorm unless necessary. This is so unlike her,” her mother shared.

 

The story took an interesting twist within the following hours when detectives returned to Abbott’s residence with dogs, in order to pick up her scent. The animals reportedly sat on the ground next to a pile of dirty laundry, nearly to the ceiling, and refused to budge. It was just then that officer John Dice noticed the pile moving slightly.

 

Hours of serious labor to deconstruct the mountain of apparel led to a final victory and happy reunion for the loved ones. An estranged Abbott was found, wearing mismatched socks and a t-shirt from her 5th grade band camp. She described the incident as a personal choice: having laid in the pile voluntarily, claiming she’d “rather die than be seen in her current state” and “spent all her money buying new clothes to replace the soiled ones.”

 

The laundry room is a short walk from the residence, but roommate Sarah stated that Abbott has only gone once all semester. The pile would suggest that she has not done her laundry in 8-10 weeks, but having been called into Oakland already, her mother conveniently laundered all articles and returned them to her daughter’s dresser. No charges have been pressed, but the judge is requiring Ms. Abbott to attend mandatory home economics courses at a neighboring high school for the following 36 weeks, in hopes that she can “grow the fuck up.”

 

Abbott’s mother left us with a final comment, “Lane has always been a lazy piece of shit, but we never expected it to escalate this much.” Abbott issued a formal apology to the University of Pittsburgh and legal services for her actions this morning.

 

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