“…So in 2016, I plan to pretend that beer doesn’t have calories, which should make things far less stressful, I hope,” concluded MSU freshman Erin Synth, answering a routine poll that The Black Sheep conducts about New Year’s resolutions on the streets of East Lansing. As she walked away, her friend stayed, obviously fully prepared for an interview herself.
“What was the question?” she asked innocently. “Something about my New Year’s resolution?” A bashful smile masked her extreme eagerness to participate in popular news media, to have her voice heard in the ever-growing pool of people seeking potential fame. “By the way, my name’s Katie Garfield, and I’m a sophomore.” She paused, giving us a knowing little look. “I mean, I’m technically a sophomore. It’s my first year here, but I have enough credits to be considered a sophomore by the university.” The glint in her eye conveyed the obvious “I’m-a-freshman-but-sophomore-by-credit” mentality: This person realizes that I’m not just some peasant. I have a lot of credit hours under my belt, so I understand the ins and outs of college life far better than any average first year. This is only my second semester, but goddammit, it feels like my sixth.
“So you see,” Katie continued, “I was on the honor roll in high school, which, if I may say so, is an equally as impressive feat as being a sophomore by credit in my first year of college, which, in case you didn’t hear before, is where I stand academically at this school.” A feeble attempt to ask her New Year’s resolution was quickly disregarded, as if it were a James Madison student giving a knowledgeable political opinion. “It’s because I took AP credits in high school,” she continued aggressively. “AP credits are intellectually challenging high school courses that give college credits to high achieving high school students. Many of my peers struggled in these courses, but I was totally fine. Like, it wasn’t a big deal for me. My Facebook posts about how much studying I had to do were obviously ironic” She forcefully rolled her eyes, making sure to put her head, shoulders, hair, and hips into the motion, emphasizing just how little work she actually did to pass her incredibly difficult high school courses.
“Don’t even get me started on the ACT,” she exclaimed suddenly, blissfully unaware of the fact that we had barely said one word to her. “I took the ACT multiple times, and utilized many of the study tactics that I gained from my Kaplan learning courses. Oh, and I was National Honor Society President. Also, did I mention that I currently have sophomore standing at Michigan State?” She suddenly perked up, realizing that we had a clipboard with an actual question on it. “New Year’s resolutions! Yeah! My goal is to graduate in one year from this school. What could be more impressive than that? If that doesn’t work, I’d love to at least be a senior by credit in my second year. That’s fair, right?”