Spartans have, over the generations, overpowered the East Lansing squirrels’ natural circadian rhythm that tells them to hibernate. Ever wonder why you still see so many squirrels on campus during the winter? It’s because they rely on us, their lame, fleshy friends, to provide them with so much food that they no longer need to hibernate. The squirrels have acquired the taste for Panda Express and the undesirable, meatless ends of Subway subs, which is pretty amazing when you consider that their natural diet consists of nuts and fruit.
Given their need for us to provide them food, the latest Spartan student-induced change to the squirrel’s normal patterns shouldn’t feel like an odd one: Squirrel Fishing.
So, how does one squirrel fish? It’s exactly like it sounds. Tie a string around some food and tie that to a stick. From there, crack open some PBR (or Hamm’s, if that’s your thing) and set up a chair somewhere along River Trail. You’re ready for some squirrel fishing. Cast out your line, and reel squirrels in like Connor Cook reels in the ladies at Rick’s. Soon you’ll be rolling in squirrels, and will have enough to form a squirrel army that carries you around on their collective backs.
But how will you know when you’ve become the very best like no one ever was? Here’s how to divvy up squirrel fishing points.
1 point: Get a squirrel on the line.
2 points: Get the squirrel close enough to pet.
3 points: Actually pet the squirrel.
4 points: Capture the squirrel and become Lord of the Squirrels in preparation for winter.
5 points: Catch a pregnant squirrel that gives birth while being pulled in. Then catch the baby squirrels too. Join their squirrel family. Raise them as your own. Send them to squirrel school. Try not to get too mad when one of your squirrel children pierces their septum.
Gain an additional 1 point for every pound the squirrel weighs.
From there it’s really up to you what you do with the squirrel. The Black Sheep will always advocate for entrepreneurship, so if you can get a leash around your new squirrel pal and train it to sniff out class-A Mary Jane, you’re in business. You just might want to consider getting your rabies shot before you try this out.