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New Mega Tunnel Nearing Completion at Pitt

Recently there has been a good amount of construction at Pitt, from the pipes put in on the cathedral lawn to the current work on Bigelow Boulevard and William Pitt Union Porch. This construction has cost many a student valuable walk time. In fact, Pitt students have crossed more of the “do not cross” yellow tape barriers around the construction than the actors on CSI: Miami. Getting to the Cathedral of Learning through this construction was at times confounding, but this project has a bigger magnitude than what meets the eye. There have been reports of many different projects, but the melancholy and cold construction workers will tell you exactly what they are building: “a friggin’ tunnel to China.” 

 

Yes, that’s right, somehow the extraordinary scientists at Pitt have come up with a way to circumvent the molten core of the earth and make it to the other side. Remember that one recess you decided to excavate the playground in search of China? Well, you came close, but no cigar. These guys did it for real this time, and we asked one of Pitt’s geology faculty why:

 

“Who doesn’t love a big old hole? Why’d we do it? Because ‘Merica that’s why! We’re gonna tunnel right under Tiananmen Square and show those commies what freedom means!”

 

If you still have doubts as to why we have built this tasteful hole right in the middle of Pitt where most people will be walking, just ask pedestrians why this investment matters. We caught up with a passerby to understand what this international connection would mean to the average Pitt student:

 

“I mean, the Chinese food on campus sucks, so maybe tha… (falling brick noises)”

 

The utmost regard for safety has been taken in light of this new improvement, and the construction company being used is the safest in Oakland. We saw a demonstration of this safety-minded crew when a bulldozer was pulling out across the crosswalk. The guidance of Chaz, the job manager was welcomed by many pedestrian students: 

 

“Eyy yoiuns!? Can’t yinzes see theres a big ol’ bulldozer right there? Move out the way! Dammit Lester, did ye remove the breaks again?”

 

To get a final opinion on the tunnel to China’s significance, we asked a Pathfinder who was skillfully leading a tour of 40 Panther-wannabes through the area under construction:

 

“Ok if you’ll look to your left you’ll see…just step over this wood thing, now duck, that’s it…the Cathedral of Learning….hold your breath, they just brought out the asbestos…which has twentyeleventysix windows…watch out for that hole sir, that’s the sewer, don’t lose your child…”       

 

So there you have it, the internationally significant tunnel through the earth to China, which is set to be complete sometime soon. The tunnel will be walkable, small, and extremely hot, just like the basement of a South Oakland slum apartment rager. Gravity and the effects of moving through molten rock have yet to be worked out for the tunnel’s brave first users, but from the interviews it seems like a worthy and safe brainchild of Chancellor “Paddy-G” Gallagher and the geology department. Let’s just hope the Chinese welcome our digging into their country with more Apple products produced in sweatshops full of free Mercury, seeing as nobody has yet told them of this project.

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