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New Religion Founded at MSU

Have you ever felt like you’re not a part of the Spartan community? Beginning this fall, exclusively in East Lansing, there will be a new organization for the followers of the Red Cedar Religion. The Red Cedarists, an organized cult  hoping to bond together the scattered who believe in the gods of the Red Cedar, have finally been recognized by the TITSS (Treaty Involving Trustworthy Spiritual Services). This new organization welcomes all shapes and sizes, and is the first of collected group of Cedarists in the world. 

 

Cedarism has been around for years, but like The Walking Dead, some things will only stay underground for so long. Red Cedarists believe that if you honor the MSU greats, only good things will happen. They’ve taken “Love thy neighbor” and turned it into “Love thy Spartan.” Cedarists don’t give two shits if you’re O.J. Simpson, The Hamburglar, or a super-senior, they love anyone who flies the green and white. 

 

The main draw to Cedarism is the lack of bullshit. Instead of ten rules or a big book of shit trying to tell you stories, Cedarists live by one motto and stick to it: YOLO. Simple. Find an unopened bottle of Jack under your bed? It was obviously a sign from the many gods of Cedarism telling you to get wavy immediately. You’re thinking to yourself right now, “I thought it was Drake who told us the motto was YOLO?” Not to be technical, but Cedarism was around long before Drake shot out of his daddy’s dick, he was copying Cedarists, not the other way around.  

 

Breaking news: Drake might belong to Red Cedarism. 

 

Like Christianity, there are three main deities Cedarists worship: Joseph R. Williams, the first president of MSU, Magic Johnson, and Sparty. Why is Joe “Back Breaker” Williams in this trifecta? He made every student work three hours of manual labor a day to stay at MSU. This man had the balls to make his own students build his university. We must honor our Spartan Father, otherwise we might have ended up like that bastard of a school in Ann Arbor.  

 

Unlike most modern religions, Red Cedarism requires multiple rituals performed throughout the year. The most important of all the rituals is the yearly sacrifice. Cedarism does not require a goat or lamb sacrificed, rather one bike must be thrown into the Red Cedar River every September. The reason of why we throw bicycles into the river is a mystery, as the founder of the East Lansing chapter Troy Burke said, “I’ve got no clue, bruh. Shit’s weird, but every bike I’ve thrown has led to some chill vibes and chill babes all semester. I gots the faith.” We tried to get more from information form Troy, but he was having a “good trip” and wanted us to “mellow out with all the words.”  

 

There is a little bit of Red Cedarism in all of us. The old saying “Don’t knock it ’til you try it” would apply here, but the same saying applies to AIDS and heroin so we’re not going to go there. Now that they have been fully recognized as legit by the TITSS, expect to see the Cedarists rolling 20 deep with bitches on bitches through your hood.

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