It’s half way through the school year, you missed the Union’s poster sale, and if you look at blank, off white walls anymore you are going to throw up those three bowls of cereal you had at Crown and really have something to look at. We’ve all been there. But never fear, The Black Sheep is here! With some ways to redecorate your dorm room! See brah, we’ve got your back. Eat that cereal in peace. No experience crafting needed.
1.) DIY wallpaper from all those unused condoms you have from not getting laid, like, ever:
Well, have you ever thought that you’re not getting laid because your room is plain and boring? You need some decorative wall art! Just grab your hot glue gun, those little foil packets, and start gluing. For those of you who are new to this “arts-and-crafts” thing, start with simple lines, vertical or horizontal. For those of you whose hands are so scarred from hot glue gun burns you look like the villain in the first Captain America Movie, you may want to try an intricate swirl or nice argyle pattern.
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2.) Replace all of your furniture with large piles of glitter:
Sell the furniture, buy lots of glitter, and get to work. Pink glitter for your bed. Green glitter for your desk. Be sure to get ultra-fine glitter for your pillows (makes it softer). Now, we know what you’re thinking: this is much less “practical” and “efficient” than normal, boring furniture. And, well, yes. It is. But it’s also much less SPARKLY.
3.) A bag of live snakes:
Be sure to feed them regularly!
4.) Knit cozy sweaters for your ugly brown furniture to make them feel pretty (unless you’ve already replaced them with glitter)*:
With your 3mm needles, you can painstakingly knit loving gifts for your furniture. Again, an argyle pattern is great for the more experienced knitters, but those of you who are new to the ancient craft spending way too much time making a single garment, maybe start with stripes. Oh, and be sure to use cotton yarn, and not wool, because if you’re going to be the kind of person who knits you might as well be the kind of person who gives a fuck about sheep.
5.) A rug made out of dynamite to add a little pizazz and cover up the carpet, too:
Just get a few sticks of dynamite (40 should be enough) and tie them together in a spiral pattern to make a nice circular rug. Make sure the wicks are facing up for a little extra flare. There may be a few gaps in the rug, given that you’re trying to make a circle out of rectangular objects, but you can always fill them in with a little C4. Rugs like these are a great spot to meditate. Just light some scented candles to get you in the mood, close your eyes, sit on your rug of explosives, and ignore everything that’s going on around you. Nothing will go wrong, we promise.**
All of these are “against” housing “regulations.” The Black Sheep not responsible for any act of vandalism you may or may not preform based on our awesome suggestions even if it does make your dorm stop looking like the trashy 70s single-wide that somebody’s chain smoking Aunt Janice probably lives in.
*This one is actually not against housing regulations, but who the f are you, and why the f do you have so much time on your hands?
**Don’t do it, bro.