One semester ends and another begins, this time with a scandal. On Monday night at approximately 9:46 p.m., an anonymous freshman decided to illegally download and view the critically acclaimed film, The Interview. Upon viewing it in his dorm room, he realized the amazingness of the film and decided that in the name of America, he would hold a midnight viewing party for all of Nordenberg Hall on the steps of Soldiers and Sailors Memorial.
Moments after the viewing party commenced, servers in North Korea’s top-secret underground bunker (codenamed “Supreme Commander’s Butthole”) were triggered. Grandmaster Un decided to call on his expert hacking team — six monkeys chained to computers, wearing green North Korean uniforms and smoking cigarettes — once again. Due to this naïve freshman’s actions, North Korea’s expert hackers set their sights on the University of Pittsburgh’s email system. You will not believe some of the information released by these keyboard wizards.
In one email between a high-ranking official at Market and a biomedical engineering professor, the two expressed their exaltation in finding the perfect amount of laxatives to put into Market’s food. The email, copied verbatim, reads:
“BRRRRUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH, we fuckin’ did it!! Cocktail after cocktail of laxatives have produced full-scale intestinal evacuation 27 minutes after consumption. These students will never know what hit them. They’ll be hurting more than Pitt’s pride after giving up a 25-point lead to Houston in the Armed Forces Bowl. We are modern medicine mavericks.”
On the topic of Pitt football, North Korea’s hackers discovered a mass email between our recently released athletic director, coach, and all of the players of Pitt’s football team. The email reveals a sinister plot executed this past season. The athletic director advised:
“Good Evening Gentleman, as you know we are the kings of campus whether we win or not. Shit, I got a $10,000 raise just because of that Delaware game. However, this email aint about cha boi, it’s about our game plan. Now that we got past the powerhouse that is FIU, we’ve decided to throw away the playbook, and fuck with the student body’s pride. It doesn’t matter how much we suck — as long as we show-up, Pitt’s still going to give us that coin. Or in you players case, degrees. lol.”
“We just need to make sure we stay in the news. All the tweets by haters in the stands and criticizing articles in the Pitt News are the publicity we need to stay in the spotlight. Remember boys, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but there’s also “Jameis Winston” publicity, so don’t do that.”
Finally, it seems the Cathedral Club is filled with Pitt professors. Sifting through the leaked emails, we were able to recover an Excel spreadsheet stating by department: average penis sizes, cup sizes, sexual form, and favorite international room to bone in on campus.
There are some generalizations to be found in the treacherous rainforest of sexual exploits in the spreadsheet. Who’s keeping tabs on all this information? And are these pure facts or hasty sexual puns? We’re just here to convey information:
– The Linguistics Department uses their tongues for something nasty.
– The Global Management Department are phenomenal multitaskers.
– The Industrial Engineering Department seems to be working with some extra long pipes on their most recent projects.
– There is something rock hard going on in the Geology department.
Nevertheless, while North Korea decided to make Pitt terrified and angry about their school, most will probably be too amused about the sexual school department puns to care about the real shit going down. Thank you anonymous The Interview viewer, and thank you North Korea, without your bullheaded hatred of everything good, none of this would be possible.