This morning, while walking through the quad, one of our writers found an unaddressed envelope sitting in front of Holland. It contained the most passive aggressive letter any of us has ever read, but from the sound of it, this NoHo had it coming! Enjoy, but try to keep your “daaaaaamns” to yourself.
To the best roommate I’ve lived with this year,
Okay, so I just want to start by saying that I’m not mad at you for leaving your wet towels everywhere, or the fact that your feet stink like a South Oakland sewer. I’m not mad that you shed hair all over our floor and my clothes, or that you go to bed before my grandma does. I’m just disappointed that we aren’t as close as we totally swore we would when we met on Facebook.
I mean, I’m not the biggest fan of your boyfriend, but I’m really happy that you two are so close that he’s stayed over every night since you two met last Wednesday. He and his lanyard are super charming and I could see how any girl would die to be with an alcoholic like him. The passionate sounds of you two swapping spit make me feel like I just watched The Notebook.
I guess it was pretty annoying when I woke up before my first class (which was easy, since you set your alarm at 8 and hit snooze until 11!) only to see that you had eaten all my bagels… But at least it was better than when you vomited on all my photos of my family! Remember that? It was such good roommate bonding.
I know we’ve only lived together for just under two weeks, but I really feel like I’m eventually going to use all my door codes if you keep locking me out every time I run down to go pee. It’s fine. It’s just awful, but at least I’m now on first name basis with all of the Panther Central workers!
Listen, I’m sorry if this is coming off as too mean. I just want to make sure you can hear me over the loud country music you insist on playing every waking moment! I’m really just looking out for you. There’s only so many times a human can listen to the over auto-tuned garbage that is Florida Georgia Line before their ear drums implode.
I hope you’ll pay me back someday for last Wednesday when I distracted the RA from coming into the restroom while you were puking everywhere. I thought that was a really good moment for us, even if it was because you stole all the liquor I had stashed in the fridge… That I brought. It’s cool, though, because what are roommates for??
Someday, I hope that we can be official #BFFRoomies and post pictures of us hugging on Instagram. I don’t know when that day will be, but it’ll probably be around the time that your boyfriend decides to take a shower.