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November Illinites Preview: The Golden Age of Porn

Illinites, a late-night entertainment alternative hosted by the Illini Union, has dumped over half its yearly budget into the theme for November’s event following an increase of violence on campus resulting in students seeking alternative ways to remain entertained while staying safe.

 

Illinites has chosen to take advantage of the thousands of bored, sober students who would rather watch season 9 reruns of How I Met Your Mother than get mugged. Instead of reeling in potential attendees with the usual enticement of free pizza, the organization has chosen to revamp the entertainment for November with a radical idea that will shake the very foundation of the university.  

 

In order to create a cohesive theme, the Illinites organization conducted a survey amongst U of I students in which students indicated their interests during the month of November. The top choices between both males and females were “No Shave November” and “sex,” perhaps due to the onset of cold weather. In order to ensure a high turnout for this major event, Illinites decided to follow suit with these major themes.  

 

The theme for this month’s Illinite is “The Golden Age of Porn,” which will combine all the hairy delights of No Shave November with sexual arousal. According to Illinties’ event coordinator Amanda Bugsy, the theme was a conscious decision by the entire organization to better reintroduce the Illinites image on campus.  

 

“The Golden Age of Porn took place during the early 1970s,” commented Bugsy. “70s pornos were full of oil tycoon mustaches and enough bush to break a weed whacker. Modern day porn is all about the Brazilian waxing, so in order to combine hair and sex, we needed to go back a couple of decades where the men looked like Tom Selleck and women resembled his chest hair while spread eagle.”  

 

While the theme has raised many eyebrows in the University of Illinois community, there seems to be mixed reviews within the student population. Many students are excited to learn about porn culture, but others are apprehensive about viewing the graphic images.  

 

“I saw that Miracle of Birth shit back in middle school,” stated senior and avid porn viewer, Jack Dunnigan. “The lady in that had little to zero maintenance going on. Anytime I see even a single pube on a woman, I go completely flaccid. There’s a reason why ‘vintage’ links will always remain blue for me during my Sunday morning porn excursions.”

 

Surprisingly, the Illini Union Board has had no opposition to the event. In fact, members of the board have gone so far as to donate their old Playboy magazines as well as copies of Deep Throat and The Devil in Miss Jones to be screened for students. President Robert Easter was also delighted to pick a few “rare” selections from his vault, including some productions dating back to the 1920s. 

 

Despite all the controversies surrounding the university lately, it seems this event has slipped through the radar as acceptable. So sit back, relax, and allow a little porn culture to rub one out for you.

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