The Red dawn rose earlier this week to the sonorous, single-note cheers of a zombified nation. New York State announced it planned to provide free college tuition to all inhabitants, officially forgoing its title as the champion of American culture. Millennials everywhere greeted this news with noncommittal grunts before slouching back onto the couches their parents paid for. NY high school student Nancy Fillmore argues: “eeeeeeeeeeeh, whatever.”
As the echelons of American education slowly lost sight of the value of hard work, color drained from the campus grounds as the institution devolved into a nightmarish communist prison camp. SUNY and CUNY reported a similar malaise devouring their hearts and souls. On-site professors report that the view still looks perfectly lovely from atop an ivory tower.
The decision has provoked heated responses from around the state.
“I will be goddamned camel-humped by a sizzle-dicked foreigner before I let my son go off and flounce around in some pre-paid socialist propagandafier” said local Rochester coot Abner Waxenflass. “The men who created this country didn’t want education to be something handed to you with your milk bottle and social security check. No sir! They knew that knowledge was something to strive for, beg for, debase yourself and wither away on the vine in the hopes that one day your children might get it… for.”
Waxenflass wiped the moonshine spittle from his mouth before launching a vicious volley against communist ideology. “I thought good ol’ Joe McCarthy scared the reds back into their viper holes back in ’55, but it’s just like we say on the farm: dare to leave them snakes a-wrigglin’, they come back an’ eat yer children. What was I saying again? Oh yeah — it’s them foreigners who done ran my chop-shop business into the ground, consarnit!”
Representatives from the governor’s office went on record saying that the law does not require compulsory college attendance. Furthermore, every prospective student will be invited to re-education retreats, and given a free dissent-monitoring fur hat on arrival. At press time, the governor clarified that these retreats will in fact be mandatory.