In light of the new academic year, the rebirth of a familiar, yet immobilizing plague has begun its annual sweep over Oakland. From the 37th floor of Cathy to the depths of Lothrop Hall, a severe illness can be observed on the faces of many unsuspecting freshmen and even the occasional upperclassmen who failed to take proper precaution. Orientation Week, also known as “O Week,” is back on campus and spreading infectiously. Take heed, my fellow Panthers. And know how to spot the symptoms before it’s too late:
Feeling the need to up-chuck is normal after you pickle your insides with Crown Russe (cough, cough freshmen). This symptom can be easily managed by an equal consumption ratio of water to um… not water.
Don’t get out of bed for Market breakfast. It isn’t worth it. Rather, embrace this symptom, because after this week your classes will take most of your free time and sleep will be nothing but a fond memory.
Because when you turn onto Forbes for the first time in months and see that long, lean silhouette of stone staring at you, game over. Let’s get belligerent. Do it for Cathy. It’s only right.
When you aren’t wandering South O aimlessly trying to find the address of some random house party someone on your floor gave you, you’ll be fighting a crowd of sweaty, unrelenting underclassmen for a turn at the keg. Trust us, you will get a Solo cup of foam. But you will persist. Sorrento’s doesn’t shut down until 3 a.m., and neither do you.
Rapid Weight Changes
Unless you’re thriving on Skinny Girl vodka and wheat germs, gaining a few pounds is to be expected. It’s vital that you taste test both Antoon’s and Sorrento’s. For scientific purposes, of course. If the turn up is too real, and your stomach isn’t having it, you may end up reverse taste testing the two.
Who is Michelle? I have five texts from a girl saved in my phone as “Michelle AEPi bathroom” saying that she’s so glad we met and are best friends?? Who spilled beer all over this dress? This is beer on my dress, right…
They already played “Ignition Remix” four times at this party, three of which were at your request. And now you will have this song on an endless loop in your brain for the rest of your life, most likely. How many times can one “toot toot” and “beep beep” before it gets old? Never.
Fun fact: Alcohol is a diuretic. Prepare to resist breaking the seal, and if you do, prepare to spend 90% of your time at any party waiting in line for the bathroom. Don’t expect toilet paper. And immediately get back in line once you relieve yourself, because you’re bound to need to go again by the time you get to the front.
Go hmoe, yro’ue durnk.
Feeling Like a Boss
Because, obviously, you go to the best university in the country and are reminded of it every night as Cathy guides you to your respective lodgings.
Pamela’s, always. Hail to O Week.
O Week is a tumultuous week for everyone on campus, from unchained freshmen rabidly acting out because #NoParents, to upperclassmen ODing on Sorrento’s after going cold turkey all summer. Just know that, assuming you don’t go home with a NoHo, the symptoms of O Week are common and treatable.