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Ole Miss Senate OBLITERATES Racism, World Saved

 

Unless you’ve been living under a racist rock, you’d know that southern flags have been under scrutiny as of late. Many have argued that Mississippi’s state flag is an oppressive force. Others argue that it’s a symbol of Mississippi’s heritage. Some say symbols can mean different things to different people. No one cares what they think though. Those assholes probably think that both sides are valid and some sort of intellectual compromise should be met. Ha, poor racist bastards.

 

On Tuesday night, the university’s student senate voted to request that the state flag be removed from campus in hopes of ending racism once and for all. The Black Sheep spoke to several white liberal students and faculty to gather their feelings and thoughts on this contentious issue.

 

“I’m grateful that the senate voted to end racism,” Kenny Deuce, a student, said. “Racism is super bad and we’re super cool for ending it.”  

 

Since students all think alike, we at The Black Sheep chose not to ask for opposing opinions. However, our staff is currently scouring the internet to find poorly worded tweets so as to publicly shame opposing viewpoints by stupid racist white fuckbagels.

 

“I’ve been incredibly concerned with our flag since last Wednesday. It’s about time we got rid of it,” Deuce continued. “There’s nothing more dangerous than symbols. Not even cancer.”

 

Deuce wasn’t the only person to express the correct opinion. Sociology professor Fred Tillman was also on the right side of history. He elaborated on the work he has put into this movement in terms of educating students to have the right opinion.

 

“The first step is to repeatedly call your opposition a bunch of racist bigots. The second step is to ignore counter arguments. It’s a flawless system.”

 

Professor Tillman’s correct opinions won’t go over well with racist bigots, but the truth is the truth, even if truth is relative.

 

We asked Tillman how he was able to balance teaching with such heroics. “I’m not a hero. I’m a warrior. A social justice warrior. It’s exactly like war, but with Twitter. So what if it’s merely putting a band-aid on a bullet hole? Who the fuck cares what Taylor Swift thinks?”

 

Social justice warriors are considered to be American heroes, like the beautiful and elegant Caitlyn Jenner. In fact, most reasonable people consider them to be more heroic than soldiers, firefighters, and even politicians. Their bravery knows no bounds and cannot be compared to other so-called heroes. Besides being a hero, Professor Tillman has fought the good fight for other selfless reasons.

 

“I have a dream. That one day, a crowd of ethnic, racial, and cultural minorities will hoist me onto their shoulders and proclaim that I am not part of the problem. They will validate that I am a good white person. They will build a statue of me, hand-in-hand with James Meredith for our equally difficult experience. On that day, my smile will be wider than the deep chasms of the ocean. For then I will be happy. Happy that we destroyed a symbol all thanks to me.”

 

 

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