Welcome, friends. Crack open your two-buck chuck, and let us raise a glass to the most esteemed, highest quality of men: the cat callers.
Dearest cat callers, you grimy, little piggies,
It is safe to say that without men in this world yelling things at random women such as “Nice tits!” or “Hey sexy, come here!” life would be changed for the worse.
How awful it would be to live in a world where all men and women viewed each other as people worth getting to know, as opposed to brainless, fuckable objects walking down the street. A world without objectification would be horrible. Catcallers… without you, the foundations of our country that continue to move us forward (gender inequality and misogyny) would not be nearly as prominent if not for your inappropriate and unjustified behavior.
Without catcalling, women everywhere would be forced to walk down the street feeling respected and free of harassment. Indeed, what a warped world that would be.
You most definitely have the right and privilege to call out women for being sluts, hookers, bitches, or whatever “creative” name you come up with for ignoring your generic catcalling line—“Slutty McWhorebag” is up for grabs, if you’re interested. You definitely have this right because women everywhere are truly sorry that your pride was injured upon ignoring your disgusting behavior.
What’s that, you say? Oh, women should be GRATEFUL that they are receiving comments similar to “I’d fuck you in a heartbeat” from strangers?
Damn straight women should be grateful for comments like that. Women crave validation, and no validation is better or more attractive than when it comes from a man who is yelling vulgar things at you. A man who is probably quick to rage when you don’t respond due to the fact that no one—not even women who are easier to ride than the city bus—want to fuck him. Talk about sexy. Damn.
While women on campus may be practically drowning in successful, put-together, fun-loving, sexy college men, clearly you are the better choice. You know how to be respectful. You know how to speak to a woman. Yelling things like “You’re ignoring me? Go fuck yourself!” Wow. That right there is what we like to call prime husband material. Besides, it’s not like the woman you’re yelling that at is probably going to get laid by a respectful, hot, intelligent man later that night and you’ll be all alone fucking yourself.
Cat callers, it is you who make sure our city’s quota of creepers is maintained. Thank you, oh so much. Life simply wouldn’t be the same without you. Our city definitely would not be a better place without your vulgar, uninformed, archaic behavior.
So here’s to you, roaming cat callers of campus. You basically are the backbone of the United States. Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for showing women exactly what they don’t want and don’t deserve. Thank you for showing men what they should avoid becoming at all costs. Thank you for giving Lonely Island’s song “Do The Creep” meaning. Thank you for furthering the problem of objectification and gender inequality. And above all, thank you for contributing so much to campus and society as a whole.
With that, let the “this article was probably written by a fat, ugly feminist” comments commence.