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Opinion: Step It Up For Recruitment, Girls

For real, honestly, seriously, and I mean this with all seriousness: All I have seen on this campus from the ladies in Greek life is a bunch of literally wide-set vaginas. And before you go try and sit on these PNM’s faces, it’s about time you tighten up and get your shit together. The biggest effort I’ve seen all work week was the token fat girl scarfing an entire foot long Silvermine sandwich down in less than five minutes. Now recruitment is here, and I’m literally left ashamed to say that I’m a sister with any of you disgusting slores.  


Do the vows we made to each other literally mean nothing to any of you? Greek life is the life. It’s literally the blood that runs through the veins of this University of Illinois and you are treating it like the shit that you decide to look like every day you wear your letters. Oh, I’m sorry, yes – you are absolutely, naturally beautiful. Like in those heartfelt and uplifting Dove ads. Amongst all the other fat broads that are trying to make literally the other 99 percent of America feel better about not being able to afford real make up. We are not the fucking 99 percent, so put those thunder thighs to some good use and haul your fat asses to the mall.  


The top house material I’ve seen out there is literally unreal. You all look like literal horse shit stuffed in a tube top. With this skanky shit going on, how do you think we are going to set up exchanges with the top frats? Nobody wants to party with you literal bags of shit. It’s all about finding the tiny bitches that will be able to conceal your beer bellies and lack of personality. Remember when you were a freshman and there were the mandatory pregames and force-feeding Burnett’s? Now it’s time to get more cute girls to literally save face. And if you think that we’re going to make it to the Kings and Queens Bar Crawl all on our own, you might as well make a line and start blowing the frat stars now for even the smallest chance of earning one of the royalty t-shirts to show our true place on top of campus. 


Jesus Christ in Manolos, I hate all of you basics so much my dad is going to have to pay for me to get electroshock therapy again. 


I know it seems I went all “cunt-punt girl” on you guys, but I’m literally, honestly being ridiculously nice – like, seriously. And it seems that I’m the only gal remembering our first rule of sisterhood: We are our letters. This is the shit that is actually going to matter, this is what people will remember: what house you were in. So, I expect the best out of you ladies, not just for me, but also for yourselves. Go bleach your hair and your teeth, pop whatever you got to make those smiles bigger than your asses, and for Christ’s sake, at least try and use a darker filter on your pictures. We can only Photoshop so many pictures for our Tumblr, and I fully intend on punching any bitch out that doesn’t have a bow for Bid Day.  


Deuces bae’s.

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