A few weeks ago a series of stories were published on the anonymous app Yik Yak that revealed some shocking things about how Pathfinders go about their business. Always looking to make a quick buck generously help others, The Black Sheep teamed up with the Pitt Pathfinders in order to clarify some of the stories circulated on the app.
“Ok that kid had severe glaucoma and was merely looking for some medical marijuana to ease his illness, maybe if the dictators who ran this state would care for its citizens, what I did wouldn’t look bad,” commented Jeff Cheechong, a Pathfinder who smelled a tad “herby.”
Keith Spinolli admitted that he did take the wheelchair for a joy ride. “I had just finished fixing it and wanted to make sure that it was properly functional before returning it… 2 hours later.”
“That kid chose Bulbasaur as his starter, so his game was ruined long before I touched his 3DS,” remarked Ashley Ketchum.
“Wow, I totally tipped on my credit card over GrubHub, so maybe just chill with the accusations. The penny was a joke and the delivery lady had a good laugh afterwards. Haters gonna hate, bro,” exclaimed Pathfinder Tony Dominco.
Melanie Wasserman confessed to the allegations. “Let’s be honest, it is the cleanest water in Oakland. The crap that comes out of the faucet is whiter than milk. And yes, all the Pathfinders do it.”
“There were several doctors in that tour group who said that they could use some help randomly surveying the penises of Pitt. I was trying to add to the medical knowledge of the human race,” mentioned bio major and Pathfinder, Abbie Wang. “Plus that kid had nothing to be ashamed of (wink).” [It should be noted she said “wink,” and didn’t actually wink.]
“Everyone knows that Luke was a Penn State fan. White robes and a blue lightsaber? He probably had a JoePa tattoo on his back too, so excuse me for staying loyal to my alma mater,” clarified Rebecca Calrissian.
“First, that baby was a Penn State fan, so he had it coming. Second, that baby was walking, which means that it didn’t have polio, which means it was benefitting from Pitt’s polio vaccine. I was reminding it how lucky it was,” answered Eric Candy, a first year Pathfinder.
Linus Splat took full responsibility. “He was a Penn State fan, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“The end is nigh. Finals week is almost upon us. None shall be saved. All hail the Prince of Darkness,” explained Nemo Lived. That’s a good enough answer for us Nemo! That kid was probably a Penn State fan anyway.
As you can see these indictments against the Pathfinders are completely off base. They are a diverse group of students committed to making the University of Pittsburgh shine brighter than the grease on a Primanti Brothers’ sandwich. We owe them a debt of gratitude, so next time you see a Pathfinder tell them “thank you.” In the meantime, if you see a Pathfinder acting up tweet @BlackSheep_Pitt and we’ll provide a reasonable response to explain what you saw. Don’t hold any punches!