Music festivals stand alone as shining representations of the drive possessed by thousands of twenty something’s who want nothing more than stand around, to do tons of drugs, and take emergency-shits in portapotties. This week, the Roots Festival invades Fayetteville. The Roots Festival will feature local artists, great food, and a whole shitload of people who crawl from under their respective rocks and into our humble campus town.
At every festival, there are certain groups of people whose presence is guaranteed. If you plan on making an appearance during the rest of festival season, we here at The Black Sheep suggest you keep an eye out for these folks, as they’re guaranteed to enrich your experience (and by that we mean sell you some wicked moonshine they crotched in).
The Immensely Out of Place Old Guy.
This is the one father figure at every festival in his late forties to early fifties, dancing among a group of sorority girls and saying hip things like “golly, this LSD is really messin’ with my cranium, you want to hit it?” At which point he precedes to hand you a joint. Decidedly not LSD, but at least he’s having fun.
Hot & Sexy Ladies
They’ll be wearing next to nothing, and their lack of clothing is likely to be complimented by a headband with flowers and perhaps a bikini top. The real cool ones are going to have dreadlocks and tattoos, but they probably aren’t dating material because they haven’t showered in three days. Oh, and they definitely don’t have a cold, they just really like cocaine.
Super Chill Bros
Being a man at a music festival is a little more challenging, but you’ll still see a trend. It requires a perfect balance of hipness, which looks like you aren’t trying. After all, being hip is totally hip right now. If you’re looking for fashion advice, just put on your tightest pants and order an eighty-dollar tank top from Urban Outfitters, and you’ll be bagging bitches like Santa Clause purportedly bags presents. And much to your father’s dismay, shoes are optional.
Look out for that one group of sketchy kids, who look more like they belong at a Kid Rock or Insane Clown Posse concert. They’re easy to spot—just look for snapback hats and neck tattoos. Stay away from those guys because they’re probably gonna try and sell you research chemicals under the pretense that they’ll get you totally high. Which they probably would, but they may also shorten your life expectancy to “within the next ten minutes.
Music festivals are fun and force you to engage with complete strangers. Even though the Roots Festival isn’t a “three day camping in your own sweat” event, you’ll surely run into many of the characters we’ve listed above. Take a break from welcome week and enjoy some good homegrown mountain music.