New dorms have begun to open at the University of Kentucky, offering Tempurpedic mattresses, rooftop gardens, and individual bedrooms. Students no longer have to deal with the struggles of Spartan living like the incoming freshmen of the past. No longer will frosh have to worry about the food they bought being stolen, or trying to have sex literally inches away from their roommate’s bed without making it awkward, or worry about being murdered in their sleep by their creepy roommate with the neckbeard who watches My Little Pony. No, these spoiled children will never know the true struggles of the freshmen who came before them as the University of Kentucky continues to cradle them in their new, luxurious dwellings.
Now, thanks to a one billion dollar donation towards the housing development generously given by Microsoft, the school has worked out a deal for new dorms to replace the Kirwan and Blanding Towers in the fall of 2018.
Last Tuesday, October 21st, President Eli Capilouto was happy to announce the new development in a press conference where he said, “thanks to a donation from Microsoft, we will be pleased to provide the incoming class in 2018 with our best dorms to date. These dorms will each be equipped with a brand-new Xbox One, a hot tub set to exactly 101 degrees, and 75” flat screen 3D TVs. We’re sure that these new additions will provide our students with the finest educational setting available. We hope it will help our students grow and prepare them for adulthood.” Further digging found that these dorms will also have an all-you-can-eat steak and sushi restaurant which will only cost one meal swipe per guest, stocked mini-fridges in each room, and once-a-week maid services.
When asked why Microsoft decided to make the investment in the University of Kentucky, Microsoft spokesperson Keith Einhorn noted that many schools had turned down the offer due to Microsoft’s terms and conditions of donating, which require that each resident must get either an Xbox or a Windows logo tattooed on their ass. Microsoft is pleased with the University of Kentucky’s decision, stating that the university didn’t seem to care about the students’ wellbeing, as long as they would gain another record-breaking amount of freshmen to milk for millions of dollars for years.
The Black Sheep has seen our fair share of disgusting dorms. We once had to take a shower in Blanding Tower, before shortly after having to taking a decontamination shower. We spent time in the old Haggin Hall before they tore it down, which always smelled distinctly of a mixture of ass and gym socks (the natural scent of the eighteen–year-old boy). Even though we were never forced to live in one of the decrepit buildings (our parents actually loved us and put us up in an apartment), we feel it is important for the budding freshmen to spend their first year of the most memorable time of their life in one of the shittiest living arrangements ever created. They’ll get a taste of the real world, because unless you are paying thousands of dollars a year to them, no one in the real world is going to give a shit about you.