Pitt Announces its Nominations for the 2016 Presidential Election

The 2016 Presidential Election is upon us and Pitt and The Black Sheep feel that our nation’s two-party system is a tired relic from days gone by. So we need more nominees to vote for in this presidential election, and as much as we all love Trump and Bernie, Pitt has much more appealing candidates!

Ophelia:

Party: NOM-ination Party

Platform: Ophelia, the mother of market, wants to lead this country to a new tomorrow where everyone gets to eat whatever food they need. And furthermore, she feels like the whole world deserves this! She doesn’t talk much on civil rights or the economy or war or anything complicated and non-condensing related however, so if you are just a hungry person, Ophelia is for you. She also has an interesting stance on immigration, anyone can get in as long as someone swipes them into our country; so instead of a wall, expect many card readers lined up along all the borders, especially Canada.

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The T-shirt Guy

Party: Yes

Platform: This guy is wild and has the flair and pizzazz of a Trump while not being a total dick hole. He’ll get you to buy a shirt whenever you don’t even know what a t-shirt is and you have zero dollars, he’s that good of a salesman. This might be problematic however, having someone in the white house who’s economic interests play a good part in their policies, but luckily that hasn’t happened before right?! On the bright side, however, he will have a nationwide party all the time and have t-shirt cannons, wet t-shirt contests (for anyone to participate in as long as you bought it from him) and Pitt on everyone’s chest in the world.

Ghallagator

Party: The Republicantilian Party

Platform: He kind of just wants everyone to not hate on reptiles anymore. Too many people think snakes are scary and alligators and crocs will eat all of us and aren’t fashionable footwear. Yeah he’s one of the evil reptiles controlling our world, but after hanging around college students so much, he doesn’t actually wants us all to be his reptilian mind slaves anymore. He still wants us to pay way too much for our education so we’d suggest not voting for him because if he becomes president, tuition will rise way more than just $420.

Bill Dorsey

Party: That One That Likes Funding the Arts

Platform: Literally it’s a milk crate because it has become iconic to this man’s image now, but the blind operatic street singer of Forbes has much more planned than that. He wants this nation to have more people singing so he’s going to make it mandatory to be in a musical 24/7, which doesn’t suck for most of us, but imagine if you lived somewhere where everyone had the voice of a dying weasel. It’d suck, but it’d be better than having to deal with a rich fascist. He’s also a supremely nice guy, so he’s definitely got that going for him.

Antoon’s

Party: Pizza and Ice Cream

Platform: The end of America is nigh, a corporation will win the presidency. Luckily for us it’s actually a small business and all they give a shit about is a pizza, so free pizza for everyone? I know where my vote is headed.