What do all college students have in common? If you answered “love of Chipotle” and “chronic laziness” then you’ve obviously met a Pitt student. This is why it was a day of joy when Chipotle recently announced that they would be bringing a delivery service to Oakland. Not wanting to miss out on the cilantro flavored celebration, The Black Sheep hit the street to gauge student reaction to the proclamation.
“I cried,” said Dana McNally, a sophomore art history major. “As someone who has self-diagnosed themselves with OCD, social anxiety, and gluten intolerance this will make it a lot easy for me to order one of the only restaurants I can eat from. The only person I’ll have to talk to is the delivery guy and I’m hoping he’ll be a real hunk,” stated McNally. “Did I mention that I’m also vegan? You can read about it all on my Tumblr.” McNally then tried showing us an album of her cat containing no less than 2000 pictures, so we excused ourselves to the bathroom and booked it out of there.
“You can thank me,” declared junior Tim Garcia. “Since freshman year I have written a letter a day to Chipotle HQ begging them to create a delivery service. What’s the point of Chipotle if you actually have to go up and get it? The founding fathers would be appalled,” explained Garcia, who lives only a block from the Chipotle in Oakland. “When the heart wants Chipotle, but the legs don’t want to move, what am I supposed to do?” We’re not doctors (yet), but we’d say you should probably hit the gym Tim.
After reaching out to workers at Pitt’s Chipotle we received an email from an anonymous address. “This is my nightmare,” read the email. “You think this is going to help you get your food faster? You think this will end the lines? There’s only so many burritos a man can make before you break his spirit. First online orders, now delivery. What’s next? A service where one of us has to actually feed you your bowl? You guys barely tip as it is,” continued the email. “I am not alone. We do not forgive. We do not forget. We are Chipotlenonymous.”
Our final opinion was from the man, the myth, the legend, Chancellor Gallagher. “Oh my god, I love Chipotle. Chipotle is my life,” stated Gallagher. “Do you know how much of your tuition is going to go towards my daily burritos? Don’t be surprised if I raise tuition another 10% come spring time,” chuckled the Chancellor. “Those are probably my two favorite things, taking your parents money and Chipotle. And I always get guac, ESPECIALLY because it’s extra.” As we headed out of his office in the cathedral, Gallagher laughed menacingly and lit a pile of hundred dollar bills on fire.
As you can see opinions are almost unanimously positive about this delivery service. While The Black Sheep typically tries to remain impartial and unbiased, we have to admit that we are officially “pretty friggin psyched” for Chipotle delivery. As details come forward about how the service will work and how much extra it will cost (sob) just remember one thing: West Virginia wasn’t on the list. Sorry, but only real colleges get nice things.