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Pitt Scientists Discover New Smart Drug Called Phuqs

In association with Student Health and Chevron Chemical Council of Calculated Circulative Club, Pitt Scientists have developed does of a new kind of attention creating tablets. Pitt scientists realized the terrible effects of drugs like Adderall and Ritalin and have developed a drug that will help students with their stress-filled week during finals. This drug has been given the name of Phuqs (pronounced: fucks).


Pitt scientists say that students will be able to take a single dose of Phuqs each day, however because of the very limited supply. Only a certain amount of students can be given a Phuqs a day. A student taking Phuqs will have the following side effects:


– Feeling of a higher purpose
– Belief in oneself
– Spatial and olfactory awareness
– Feeling of stress related to upcoming tests
– Paranoia in respect to grades
– Embarrassment of personal appearance and personal hygiene


Pitt scientists are very excited to be able to give each and every student a Phuq to have. They recognized the need after so many students were without the slightest might of a Phuq. However there has been some push back by the student body because they believe, “no having or giving a Phuq is so crucial to the ability to get through finals week — especially those with finals on Saturday — because by having zero Phuqs students are able to navigate the stress of each and every 24 hour day of studying, reading, and writing.”


Right now, Pitt scientists stand firm in their belief that having a Phuq to give is important to being able to succeed. Students disagree 100% and they refuse to receive a Phuq that they can then give. Only time will tell how this debate pans out.

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