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Pitt Student Survives Collision with Evil Parking Meter

While reading and laughing at the police blotter (as we do every Friday night), The Black Sheep was alerted to the latest case of assault by parking meter. The victim, Perry Gwyn, has missed several days of classes due to a throbbing headache and a terrible 1-centimeter gash on his forehead. 

 

Gwyn is a junior at Pitt studying civil engineering, we caught up with him last week to ask him about the incident. “I had heard about the meters,” he told us, “but I assumed they were just the ones on Forbes. I never thought I had to worry about anywhere else, but I was mistaken. Even Thackeray isn’t safe anymore. ”

 

The Black Sheep warns that there is a large concentration of parking meters on Forbes, Fifth, Thackeray, Bigalow, Atwood, Oakland, Meyran, and Mckee. Make sure to plan a safe route ahead of time.

 

“I was just minding my own business, reading an email from the Career Development Office about my shaky resume when BANG. It just jumped right out from behind my phone and knocked me to the ground. The force with which the parking meter hit me was crazy! I was knocked out for a few moments and I just couldn’t even comprehend what had happened.” 

 

Gwyn’s experience, sadly, is not an isolated incident. Hundreds of preoccupied students are being personally victimized by these evil parking meters. In The Black Sheep’s ongoing initiative to practice journalistic justice for the gracious students at the University of Pittsburgh, we decided to conduct our own investigation into the matter and to discover what the university will do to protect its students in the future.

 

The Black Sheep lacks any knowledge of the judicial system of the University of Pittsburgh, so we decided to speak to the office of student affairs. Although they did nothing to help, they were kind enough to direct us to Panther Central, apparently parking meters are a “transportation issue.” 

 

After a scavenger hunt to find Panther Central around the corner, through the woods, and through the cold, wintery air, we found it and took a number. Like the 7 p.m. Chipotle line we waited while our iPod’s battery dwindled, but finally when our number was called, we were able to speak to them. We asked them what they were doing to protect students from the horrible rampaging parking meters. “I would check the student handbook,” the Panther Central employee told us, “it’s really the best place to answer any and all questions about student life and student issues, and how to take correct action.” After consulting the text, we found absolutely nothing on parking meters, not even how to use them or what helmet to wear around them. 

 

But The Black Sheep doesn’t give up so easily! Except in this instance. We were sleepy and we were almost done with our article on parking meters anyway so… yeah. We may not have learned what we needed to about the parking meters, but we did learn some things about the university and their inability to answer simple questions.

 

Students, The Black Sheep encourages you to look up when you walk about campus and avoid those satanic parking meters, unless you’d rather avoid homeless people. We can only hope the university wakes up and realizes they need to stop protecting those dirty, God-forsaken meters and start protecting our students.

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