The biggest mistake you’ll ever make is scheduling a class post-lunch hour. While you’re sitting in your hour-and-twenty-minute lecture, your mind is still savoring that Chipotle Sofritas bowl that the weird vegan before you in line tempted you to try. Sure, it didn’t feel right, but it wasn’t awful…or so you think. Without you knowing it, you just ingested an atomic bomb that will destroy your sphincter.
You’re just trying to get through class, but you feel the reckoning. The second coming of Vesuvius is settling in your intestines, and it’s coming now. You’re sitting in the back corner of class, and there’s no clear way out. The biggest battle of your life is about to start. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s brains versus bowels.
BRAINS: *Feels bowels gurgling* Just wait it out. You have twenty minutes left of class.
BOWELS: Are you feeling this? ARE YOU FEELING THIS HOT BALL OF LEAD IN YOUR BODY?
BRAINS: But no one wants to be the person tearing up the bathroom.
BOWELS: You literally have no choice at this point. I’m coming out like The Fault In Our Stars; slowly, and then all at once.
BRAINS: Maybe it’s just gas. Just let out the air, maybe you’ll feel better. You drop a couple gusts of air every now and then…Fuck. The girl behind us can tell. Seriously bitch? We’ve all been there. The judgment is real.
BOWELS: I’m going to start making noise to get your attention. Do you feel me gurgling? You can’t pass this shit up as hunger. Times a-tickin’.
BRAINS: If I get up now, it might just fall out of my body.
BOWELS: PLEASE JUST GET ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE. I wish I were at the Union. Or engineering. Those are true pooping environments. Wells is not the place to be.
BRAINS: Your professor wants to have a moment of silence, but then everyone is going to hear your lower intestines rupturing. Just get up and leave. Waddle. Waddle like your life depends on it, because your social life will be destroyed if your friends hear you dropped a deuce in your pants at Wells.
BOWELS: As we waddle down to the bathroom, let’s reflect on this moment. Why did you think tofu soaked in chili sauce was a good idea again? Damn that vegan. Damn all vegans. You didn’t deserve this. What did you do to vegans, besides make fun of them for taking all enjoyable foods out of their diet?
BRAINS: Okay, shut up. We made it. We’re comfortable, we’ve got a stall, and now we’re just chilling. Phone is out, Candy Crush is on. Maybe I’ll drop some fire toilet tweets…wait. Did the door just open?
BOWELS: I’m coming out like Caitlyn Jenner, I can’t let this go gracefully!
BRAINS: SLOW. STEADY. DON’T DISTURB THE ENVIRONMENT. GIRLS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO POOP IN PUBLIC.
BOWELS: TOO LATE!